Tag: life

Work with me

You asked her work with me any time she’d dissent
Eating her inside the guilt for poor you
Excuses for your actions
Reasons why you didn’t and should
Till she’s sitting on a virtual powder keg pent up, spent
You still say work with me and miss the bitter smile
As she closes the door quietly
So she can rage within her head
Looking through and into the heart of the storm inside you
No longer wondering how to help you quell it
But seeing you keep creating it for yourself
So you can keep her in chains
Made from cobwebs of an old life
Figuring how to break free of you now
No longer excuses that are able to wash
The stains on her memory clean
They are wrapped up in neat boxes weighted by bricks
One day her words will free her mind
And she’ll pity you no more

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

The walls were greyish

She kept them that way to avoid thinking about the colours

That she might like if she looked 

But it was easier to just keep everything as grey as always 

And then nothing could dim, or tarnish. 

The walls of the cell were greyish.

He asked if painting the walls pretty colours with patterns and things 

To make it a place of freedom and dreams 

She looked at him with bewilderment in her eyes 

And told him sternly to leave then because they are 

The walls of a cell which is always greyish. 

He gave up puzzling about this and dreamed of field of golden barley 

Of hills and beautiful sunsets 

She repeated an oft said phrase with more vehemence 

The walls stay grey because they are as I say 

Always destined to be greyish 

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

River of expression

She’s careful in choosing her words and expression
For they can give too much
Away or not
Enough
And usually the latter she’s been told often
She tries hard to remain inscrutable a blank canvas
Only wanting to give away a little
Not knowing that if you watch her a while
You need ask no questions no words needed
To see her simmering eyes blazing hot embers
Anger in her measured strides
Though she’s busy trying to be a nice girl
Who doesn’t complain and says things are
Fine, no really …..
And sometimes she crumbles and cracks
The furious tears flowing like a river
That’s worn through the rocks finally to reveal
Just a glimpse of the force behind that one day
Will flood out and leave devastation in their lava like wake

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Unfolding fear

I watch as things unfold slowly, deliberately  

Can feel the newness like putting on brand new bed linen 

The crispness, feeling like nothing there has been sullied  

Stroking things to see how they feel, if they bite 

Or just caress me back 

The familiarity rubbing softly against my cheek 

Like a soothing hand stroking  

The fear tried to sink in its teeth slowly 

As it did once before and it was jubilant over me 

This time I turned giving chase so it skulks in the shadows hoping 

But it knew another me  

One whose fear was of being enough of everything to everyone 

A more alive me knows now that I should push back 

Unless I do I cannot hope to get anywhere  

I beat the unfolding fear with songs of my own 

It’s are drowned by my out of tune happy noise.
Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Liquid walls

You haunt my nights with light and dark
My days uneasy with fire or sparks
What are you? 
Being of another world seeping through
Touching at the edges burning cold
No-one can see you on edge of visions bold
I’m needing to look deeper but I might get lost
Worry less by the day of the cost
Are you the me I really am bleeding through?
The barriers broken and I am you
I find the thought enticing I can be this other soul
With something more to show a  purely fluid goal
It sounds alien and scary to have liquid walls 
But they flow these barriers best of all.
Try them, push hard they do not bend or break
Nor shatter like glass ceilings but more effort they take
One small stone, to break the glass smash it good and right
But liquid walls mean you wanted movement and put up a fight
So turn to your dark corners where you feel the world ends
Push hard, push well
For here is where worlds meet, mingle, blend.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Execution of fate

I turn away because I have to or I will not leave
My face a mask of pretence
I am abandoning my own self here
If I were to know that it was forever I would be raging
Like a tossed about ship I feel the force of myself
Emotions race clamouring for first place
All afraid not to be noticed
Yet not wanting to be the winner of this race
The unseen bolster I have put between us
Guarding as a centurion against the destruction you wreak
And swear you didn’t mean to cause
But you have
Time and again after lulling my mind to sleep
Not this time I know
Feeling the cold wave of certainty wash over me
Keeping me alert,  cold, removed but alive
Never again will you penetrate this cocoon
I have gladly placed myself in
Only until I am strong
Enough to say the words you know are coming
No exoneration
No reprieve
This hanged man built his own noose
Whether he tightens it or not
Is no concern of mine

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Edge of breathing sunshine

Feeling myself drawn into the whorls towards the seething mass
Like a deep spectral cloud of darkness
With occasional flashes of gleaming sunshine
I sense the leeches take hold to succeed
Draining me slowly, carelessly dry
Of light and hope
Fight the fuggy mass I hear
But how?
I can’t see from which direction I’m attacked
Surrounded from every angle
Till I lose my bearings and grab in the light I might have seen
To a person I might have been
And sometimes reminded of the far off promises
That you would be there
It was only words, balm you laugh
I shrink smaller than Alice
Slip under the nearest doorway close
To the edge of reason
Urged over the edge as you try to haul me back
I fling myself to oblivion
The leeches slide from my battered self
Eyes snap open as my wings hurtle me
Not safely,  never again that
Towards my own beginning of life
It will hurt but I can feel again and I whoop
For pain over slowly suffocating to extinction
Is the only option and I have chosen it
Now I’m free of your chittering spell

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Stardust rising

My own small tribute to the inimitable David Bowie

And he fell to earth this stardust man
To help us find the way
Of moving forward beyond prejudice
But for more than just one day
Kept telling us to be our own heroes
Has anyone listened to his message yet
How many more clues do we have to get?
Showed us we can change the visage
Even the essence of who we are
This man who asked if there was life on Mars
Reinventing himself without any fear
Proof he was always going to keep learning
All the way through this Lazarus kept returning
You know that he’ll never go beyond those stars
See him shining there this man of stardust
Of powder,  paint and circus clown
Telling you all to see if you must
The difference an open mind makes and heart to match
Read the message that goes with the pictures
And thank you Star Man for your chapter
Neverending. Nevermore.

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Deep water still

She’s confused at her emptiness feeling..
Like the sea dredged of all life
Only the murk floating around her face
Clarity long gone
But it shouldn’t be this way and she’s fighting angry
Though you’ll never know as it’s hidden
Behind a rock and in the gloom
You choose not to notice
None but she can ever enlighten and pride tells her
In an urgent voice to say nothing
Bury it away for raw disappointment in you
Can take her nowhere but down
To the bed of the ocean where you dwell
Waiting to cause pain
So she smiles and dances to lift away from the author of doom
And forward to forge clean new waters

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

To walk away

And I try to wipe the cry from my face
Before I can be seen broken
Breathe deep my head says calmly interjecting
So I follow the command
How else can sense come from mayhem?
You didn’t say the words I heard
Even shake my head to convince myself
And lose the battle
Numb from words I have to believe are spoken in desolation
I remember long ago words of love or whatever it means
Had taken them as shielding walls
Oh how wrong
You can’t feel as a puppeteer only pull control strings
Watch as the tautness makes you feel warm
It’s all you feel
Deep down I know this but I have to pretend
I am in control until,  until I’m strong enough
To walk without a glance back

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016