Wishing away

We’ve all done it before

Wished away hours, days, months.

I watch as you wish life gone

To cut short your endurance.

You chuckled like I’m still a silly child

Annoyed every word spoken is not believed.

The automatic yes of course you demanded

It brooks no questions, there are no answers.

That you can voice.

Tell the lies to yourself that all is well

Same old platitudes of being fine.

Even the ranks have closed around you

They know but won’t say

See but won’t look

Avoid my eye when answering simple things.

The barricades are up in the town where all’s well

Defences being built upon daily.

I see cracks in the veneer, a hand span

And know I’m not only a lone creature now

This black sheep that left the fold to live

But I’m a deserter whom none will hear.

As you close down your world almost announcing gleefully

That you’re closing shop, pulling shutters slowly

You know that I’m the one who can see you

And can do nothing as you fade away.

All carry on in unspoken agreement

Tiptoe around what you don’t want to see.

And carry on playing the same old game

Of everything’s wonderful in summer town.

Wishing and fading away.

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2017

Past Futures

Weave them well lass she said they’re only but scraps
Make your binding so tight not to break
Take only the best pieces you can see
And no faith in life allow to shake
The road you are carving has been trod before
But not with your footsteps,no
Be sure that you follow the path you know to be true
Not that easy course that’s well worn
The girl as she’s known is nodding but fears
What if my waiting is all wrong
You never waited, you said all on your mind
It never hurt you to leave past behind
So I’m not as strong as you think I might be
I am sure my waiting will let us both down
Lass the older one said who said I never did hurt? 
I had no way to stand back and think
Learning only to react and then wonder
It was my own heart and others I’d break
You have learned well so as not to know
And this was always my goal

Walk from the hills and leave them your fears
They have perfected losing it there
Hear the wind howling she asks
And of course she nodsthat she does
That cave at the top you get there by dreams
Of vanquished villains and brave dragons who
Will be just out of sight
So climb high in your head as you lie in bed
And I will stay by you as you fight again
Call only my name should you need me lass
Not more than a heartbeat away
Not all shine you see is of solid gold
And I am but through the doorway
Whose handle you are not permitted to hold
Don’t fear the future it’s lying in wait
It’s there awaiting you now
Only you can can see it go ahead now
Let it hold and enfold your desires
Now walk ahead feel the earth at your feet
Tread the ground of your home and hearth
The girl turns to thank for the calming advice
Only the whooping of wind remains

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Edge of breathing sunshine

Feeling myself drawn into the whorls towards the seething mass
Like a deep spectral cloud of darkness
With occasional flashes of gleaming sunshine
I sense the leeches take hold to succeed
Draining me slowly, carelessly dry
Of light and hope
Fight the fuggy mass I hear
But how?
I can’t see from which direction I’m attacked
Surrounded from every angle
Till I lose my bearings and grab in the light I might have seen
To a person I might have been
And sometimes reminded of the far off promises
That you would be there
It was only words, balm you laugh
I shrink smaller than Alice
Slip under the nearest doorway close
To the edge of reason
Urged over the edge as you try to haul me back
I fling myself to oblivion
The leeches slide from my battered self
Eyes snap open as my wings hurtle me
Not safely,  never again that
Towards my own beginning of life
It will hurt but I can feel again and I whoop
For pain over slowly suffocating to extinction
Is the only option and I have chosen it
Now I’m free of your chittering spell

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

To walk away

And I try to wipe the cry from my face
Before I can be seen broken
Breathe deep my head says calmly interjecting
So I follow the command
How else can sense come from mayhem?
You didn’t say the words I heard
Even shake my head to convince myself
And lose the battle
Numb from words I have to believe are spoken in desolation
I remember long ago words of love or whatever it means
Had taken them as shielding walls
Oh how wrong
You can’t feel as a puppeteer only pull control strings
Watch as the tautness makes you feel warm
It’s all you feel
Deep down I know this but I have to pretend
I am in control until,  until I’m strong enough
To walk without a glance back

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Would you walk?

Would you walk by my side with a guiding hand?
Hold fast as the darkness pulls my coat tails taking me down
Would you shine a light just enough to show the path
But not enough to force me to abandon my heart
Which is slowly getting used to a different tomorrow
A one where I live in a land I don’t want to understand
I will because it’s inevitable
But now,  well now my friend you are by my side
I can look forward,  with the help of my guide
You stay asking nothing in return for your care
And it’s this that comforts me as I travel on the way
It’s with your strength I have gone from darkened rooms
I can now glimpse a clearer brighter day
The world as I knew it has changed evermore
But your hand upon my shoulder
With barely a word spoken
Your strength more apparent than even you can know
My way ahead now showing some sign of things to come
Not once did I have to ask the question or wonder where to go
Because my unnecessary question of you was answered
Before I asked
My friend I know that whatever problems arise
You beside me walk

Ailsa
© AilsaCawleyPoetry 2015

Wonder of the dance

Hardly a breath taken as she leans closer, closer still 
Getting drawn in to her own astonishment as the tale dances in her veins 
It takes her over and she is not an observer she is there 
Audible intake of breath as the snow begins to fall inside the room fluttering down 
Her hand clapped to her mouth 
Head shaking in disbelief as the girl in the feathered tutu seems to fly across the boards 
And she is so overcome the tears sting her eyelids but don’t break free
Incase they hamper her view of the wonders ahead 
She is part of their world if even for a short time it’s a glimpse into myth and magic 
But it’s true because she’s here and a witness to every move they make
She can believe in magic in its sparkly , twinkly beauty 
Because magic shows its ugliness and glamour in equal measure and there’s always a way
A way through the dark, the fear 
She leaves after the encore filled with a knowing otherness 
She will make her own future and she is beautiful 
She can be , she is magic.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry2015

Understanding

It’s dawning on her slowly as she seeks to not believe
That again the door is closed on her
A step forward with a smile she nods and offers a yes
To the question of whether she understands
Of course she doesn’t but what can be said
It makes no difference to say otherwise and appear foolish
When the door to discussion is locked and barred
Where do you go
You can have no understanding or clarity
And it changes nothing
Just adds one more tick to the chart of letdowns
Going towards the land of doesn’t matter any more
He has won a small victory with no arguments he thinks
Puffed up with ego like a balloon floating on his win
Till the day he is left shocked as he watches her
Cut the cord
In full and clear understanding.

Ailsa
© AilsaCawleyPoetry2015

Do you remember?

What was it that first drew your eyes to her
And held them there
Who you thought it was you wanted to be a part of
And be the reason for her smile
Do you remember?
Were you trying to make her so that she pushed
It wasn’t your fault
You’ll say she jumped ship not your fault you shrug
Always going to happen
Did your mind engineer it to be this way in the plan
Too good to believe it would last
And now you’re proved right
Do you remember?
Counter argue that one day it maybe could or would have been easy
But would it
Is anything worth having ever that clean cut
The obstacles are the trial
Do you remember?
She’s walking away with eyes like razor sharp flint
But they don’t cut through anymore and you can’t get why
She’s tired it’s too hurtful now
She’s warned you till the words ran dry
All the times you could have…. Fill in the blanks
Do you remember?

Ailsa
© AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Our position

You stand there telling the world our position
Maybe it’s what you believe
Though I see you desperate for your day in the sun
With a chance to write your own history books
You in the heroes robes
Do you star in your own little daydreams?
Wearing ermine,  furs and the like
While your hand is itching to slam on the button
Do you see the sorrow you’ll cause in a far off land
Or is it merely a button to strike
I am saddened,  hurt, angry and more
That you have chosen this in my name
There are real lives at risk not tin soldiers who can live again
So awake from the dream you’re no conquering hero
And did they ever exist at all
Wake up become wise and use sense and compassion
Instead of leading the world into war

Ailsa
© AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Offering everything

That was your battle cry, I heard it loudly as your anger exploded

Like a geyser when the pressure allows it to escape unchecked 

I gave her everything, I always offered everything everything she’d want

Did I what ? you say 

You scoff, why would I need to ask what she would want? 

I chose things to give her, pretty things to dress her up in like my own doll 

Yet she looks at me like I don’t know her at all!!

What would she like you to spend most? I ask 

Why there’s only money, you absurd creature (he’s chortling now, looking for an audience)

He folds his arms laughing loudly.

And pales when I whisper “time, you never spent time”.
Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2015