Creeping gloom

I watch it leech forth like a noxious gas
Wondering why nobody else seems to notice the cloud
Gathering slowly above, around
But who looks up when they still feel the suns warmth? 
Would you check to see it were there or trust
Do you ever see the fog coming at you to swallow you
Until it has you enmeshed inside
Then you panic and scan a horizon that can’t be seen
Heart racing because direction has deserted you
Surety all gone to hells own home
Hearing noises that weren’t there before you’d swear
Or maybe you just didn’t notice
Wrapped in your security blanket of sunshine and harmony
And you stumble afraid of what awaits
Here in the dark dank gloom
The biggest fear may be spending too much time with the monster
That resides in your head
Telling you this may be your ending place
Feel the hands that claw at you hand and foot
Trying to bind you to a place you’d rather not go
Quickening heart
Slowing steps
Body trying to give itself to the inevitable
Fear and gladness,  confusion reigns
What waits in the dark murk of a mind unhinged? 
Come inside
The voice lisps in your ear

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

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It only counts

If you don’t know him well and he makes you hurt
Then it counts
If you hold her after and tell her it’s okay because you love her
Then it doesn’t
If you buy her something pretty to make her smile
You are entitled
To do as you please and no arguments can be made
Is your justification
When she cried out for you to stop it was encouragement
A mere enticement
No a simple form of encouraging you to carry on
The assault doesn’t count
Because you tell her you love her in between events
And then you were shocked
Weeping and wailing to the world of your confusion
How badly she treated you
Crumbling like an old castle in public places
Silent calls,  or threats of harm
Chameleon you colours change as they suit
More afraid the truth will out
Thinking still of how it was just her being dramatic
It doesn’t count,  does it.
It does. It does.

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

The beautiful lies

In the bubble of pretence your smile shifts
Like a ever moving desert sand
Picture change to suit the current story of the day
Pick through the rubble that is your mind
Mask slipping
Rubber stamp on the opposite page
So you can slide back into the rhythm you never had
A dream which didn’t happen
Though if you wait long enough then it might
Drop through the door you watch
You say do nothing and it’ll all work out
Don’t push for your dreams
They’re meant to fade with the light of day
Be like everyone else who asks the question of how
They can change things then accept
Learn to live with the same as the hordes before them
Swallow the beautiful lies like nectar from the gods
It’s a slow dawning till you realise
That bitter taste,  yes that one!
Is the taste of your own dead dreams sucked into eternity
So far out of reach because you deceived yourself
Into thinking you had to follow where you were told
The lie is wrapped in colourful splendour
Don’t breathe it
It can turn you sour slowly curdling like cream left in the heat
Walk,  run, escape the cat calls
Telling you that nothing different can happen
Run towards your hearts whispered wishes
Far from beautifully crafted lies

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Ice in the blood

She’s lying there feigning sleep to escape
Another discussion
One sided as always but he terms it a fair exchange
Same old start strokes her back
And whispers words in her ear in tones of love
Chilling her bones to the marrow
I always wanted to kill someone just once see how it feels
Racing heart she tries to calm
Know you’re listening you went rigid (chuckles)
She feels sick as he tries to nuzzle her neck
Moving slowly out of grasp
Almost
Ice moving through her blood so cold at the thought
Of what is beneath the surface beside her
Is he made of ice,  stone or just a monster
Masquerading as man
She dreams fractured dreams of smashing ice to tiny shards
Not cutting herself
But he won’t harm his words won’t wound
Seeking only a reaction from a sleep fogged mind
Yet yesterday she heard him telling a man
She’s a force to be reckoned with
Supposing that nodding and doing all the right things for him are
Then she must be
Except that deeper person hidden away tells her
Be the person in his smudged brain
Or pretend and let the spirit of the strong one inhabit you
Until the real you can step forward
Go on it urges for survival
The decision is made to obtain freedom
Ice crystals cool her blood

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Behind the mask

Could see you thought it was amusing,  clever even
To stand her there on the spot
Making her watch the baying crowd ordered to hate
Told give her every ounce of nasty you have
Because I will know and if you don’t
This is your fate
Evermore
She brought me no gift only knowledge and that
You spit hatefully is not good
I alone have power and it’s all mine to choose your fate
You giggle cruelly piggy eyes narrowing to red slits
So if you make a punching bag of her
My eyes will see nothing
Slap her hard to ram home your point
Carefully check to look for tears you want to see there
White with anger at none
She’ll never tell you she cried at night to mask fear
Smiled and tried hard to hide by day
And you with the label teacher hated her for facing you
In abject terror she masked
Hating herself for not just giving in to worship you
Like the rest
She saw through the monstrous mask and refused to give in
How many more would you break if she did? 
How many after?
Only hoping you were found out for the monster you are
Behind the mask

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Shades of a person

The shutters down as he tells her it doesn’t hurt
To try that again
You do want us to be happy don’t you?
Know I won’t harm you really
She’s beyond any fearless answer wondering
If she ignores it this time
He’ll get to see the others he says hurt him
Have got no sway
Casually mentions that he doesn’t mean to harm
But if she just didn’t get so
Goddamned mouthy
She’d not need to hide the bruises if she didn’t fight back
Or say things he doesn’t want to hear
Her insides are dying she feels withered and shrunken
Her world is closing down
Like a store gone bust departments closing
Some parts dark
One place holds out to the grasping fear
Telling her survive or….
What
There is someone else to protect here and rage eats her
Explodes like the ticking time bomb it always was
Anger bigger than herself
She shakes inside as she spits boiling venom
Ordering him out in measured words
Burning and trying to keep a lid on the fear of intensity threatening
Fight,  fight,  no more flight
No tears to shed just bile to cool
Self hatred to lose
And she sends the curtain crashing down
On a stage he thought was assured
Exit stage left the cabaret now the audience is no longer fooled

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Dancing with Jimmy & Vettrianos Butler

Dressing up in the floor length gown that skimmed curves
Without clinging tight
Applying her make up and feeling a million dollars
Rolling black satin gloves up her arms
In her head dancing over the carpet of sand
Where Vettriano’s butler would dash
To shield her from anything
Except it was you telling me I looked ridiculous, a fool
Thinking of a quick change too late as a vehicle honks
My eye straying to the necklace a snake curled
You shake your head and tell me they’ll laugh
Climbing in a familiar voice
Well hello there and why do you look so low? 
It’s Jimmy telling me I look like an Egyptian Queen
Or a movie star
My breath catches waiting for the punchline
Stop and Jimmy’s hand is on my arm with a smile
Allow me my lady he says
Helping me down with gentle grace
He whispers in a stage aside you’re beautiful he’s scared
I only wish I’d seen Jimmy after that day
My own Vettriano’s butler I thank you.

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016