A chance to be

I gave it back the thing I took away

From my very source

The chance to live and breathe and think

To become me once more.

First was the surrendering of all long thought things

And stopping worrying at my beings core.

I then found that to listen closely

Not just to others but to me

Never saying that I wasn’t worth

The me I’m meant to be.

So if I appear to have changed

I could sit and quietly apologise

But now I have surrounded myself

And learned to surrender nothing else

In my head I see your eyes.

They told me things I couldn’t believe

That my damaged heart was unable to grieve

The world it wrought damage needless

And we were unable to get through

Now I know I can carry on

Heard your words as you meant them

As you said welcome back to you.

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry2018

Wishing away

We’ve all done it before

Wished away hours, days, months.

I watch as you wish life gone

To cut short your endurance.

You chuckled like I’m still a silly child

Annoyed every word spoken is not believed.

The automatic yes of course you demanded

It brooks no questions, there are no answers.

That you can voice.

Tell the lies to yourself that all is well

Same old platitudes of being fine.

Even the ranks have closed around you

They know but won’t say

See but won’t look

Avoid my eye when answering simple things.

The barricades are up in the town where all’s well

Defences being built upon daily.

I see cracks in the veneer, a hand span

And know I’m not only a lone creature now

This black sheep that left the fold to live

But I’m a deserter whom none will hear.

As you close down your world almost announcing gleefully

That you’re closing shop, pulling shutters slowly

You know that I’m the one who can see you

And can do nothing as you fade away.

All carry on in unspoken agreement

Tiptoe around what you don’t want to see.

And carry on playing the same old game

Of everything’s wonderful in summer town.

Wishing and fading away.

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2017

Message to your self 

You’re looking at the mirror now watching time go by 

Tell yourself I’d be better if this or maybe that 

If only that were this wistfully sigh 

Do the people who you watch unobserved have faults? 

Of course not you spit indignant 

What would they have to feel bad about like me? 

No wonder their confidence is so high being person x 

They embody everything everything ever 

So instead you emulate your imaginary perfect 

Try to correct some part that is fine …..no really  

Leave it as it is a message to the young 

You will look back later and wonder when you are broken 

Have allowed the world to break your component parts 

And maybe reshape you 

Only then will you get the message 

Be true to yourself always, be who you are 

Change nothing to conform to ideas of others 

But only change to better you from inside 
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Disappearing from view

I may be disappearing from view for a while I wanted you to know 

But pause now and then on the path you take 

You’ll find me there at your side a chance to help you grow 

No reason to falter, quiver or quake 

Imagine the veil drawn over the bride 

Concern yourself only the words I’ve said 

It’s like I have chosen only to hide 

Not forever but so your heart and head 

Can get into rhythm then the pain will slow 

There are days you will ache just for one sighting 

Mostly you’ll think of me smiling and know 

The veil has been lifted just a trick of the lighting ? 

Feel me close, speak as you would 

Not with ears but listen so closely 

You will know I am there just as I said I would 

Only sometimes to fade like my best summer rose 
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawley2016 

Past Futures

Weave them well lass she said they’re only but scraps
Make your binding so tight not to break
Take only the best pieces you can see
And no faith in life allow to shake
The road you are carving has been trod before
But not with your footsteps,no
Be sure that you follow the path you know to be true
Not that easy course that’s well worn
The girl as she’s known is nodding but fears
What if my waiting is all wrong
You never waited, you said all on your mind
It never hurt you to leave past behind
So I’m not as strong as you think I might be
I am sure my waiting will let us both down
Lass the older one said who said I never did hurt? 
I had no way to stand back and think
Learning only to react and then wonder
It was my own heart and others I’d break
You have learned well so as not to know
And this was always my goal

Walk from the hills and leave them your fears
They have perfected losing it there
Hear the wind howling she asks
And of course she nodsthat she does
That cave at the top you get there by dreams
Of vanquished villains and brave dragons who
Will be just out of sight
So climb high in your head as you lie in bed
And I will stay by you as you fight again
Call only my name should you need me lass
Not more than a heartbeat away
Not all shine you see is of solid gold
And I am but through the doorway
Whose handle you are not permitted to hold
Don’t fear the future it’s lying in wait
It’s there awaiting you now
Only you can can see it go ahead now
Let it hold and enfold your desires
Now walk ahead feel the earth at your feet
Tread the ground of your home and hearth
The girl turns to thank for the calming advice
Only the whooping of wind remains

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Edge of breathing sunshine

Feeling myself drawn into the whorls towards the seething mass
Like a deep spectral cloud of darkness
With occasional flashes of gleaming sunshine
I sense the leeches take hold to succeed
Draining me slowly, carelessly dry
Of light and hope
Fight the fuggy mass I hear
But how?
I can’t see from which direction I’m attacked
Surrounded from every angle
Till I lose my bearings and grab in the light I might have seen
To a person I might have been
And sometimes reminded of the far off promises
That you would be there
It was only words, balm you laugh
I shrink smaller than Alice
Slip under the nearest doorway close
To the edge of reason
Urged over the edge as you try to haul me back
I fling myself to oblivion
The leeches slide from my battered self
Eyes snap open as my wings hurtle me
Not safely,  never again that
Towards my own beginning of life
It will hurt but I can feel again and I whoop
For pain over slowly suffocating to extinction
Is the only option and I have chosen it
Now I’m free of your chittering spell

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

To walk away

And I try to wipe the cry from my face
Before I can be seen broken
Breathe deep my head says calmly interjecting
So I follow the command
How else can sense come from mayhem?
You didn’t say the words I heard
Even shake my head to convince myself
And lose the battle
Numb from words I have to believe are spoken in desolation
I remember long ago words of love or whatever it means
Had taken them as shielding walls
Oh how wrong
You can’t feel as a puppeteer only pull control strings
Watch as the tautness makes you feel warm
It’s all you feel
Deep down I know this but I have to pretend
I am in control until,  until I’m strong enough
To walk without a glance back

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Almost time

It’s almost that time, etched on my brain when memories dance 

I tell myself to concentrate on only the things of the distant past 

But everywhere has the same song on play that reminds me of you 

The words that up to now meant something slightly deeper than a Yule song 

But this year the pot inside me they stir and they churn 

Tears at my eyes keep tinkling and burning 

I want to switch off

But I make myself listen 

And I’ll sing the line that makes me cry all over again, again

Sending wishes on feathers through the air to you 

As you did to me 

I am pulling the threads of the cloak to keep warm 

Feeling the chill of your loss deep 

I carry you in my soul a corner that’s yours forever 

People ask if you could be replaced or just put aside in time 

Why would I remove you 

I am as much a part of you now as I ever was 

My soul misses yours,  we shared hopes and dreams 

And I still talk as I did telling you of all the days, 

Smiles and tears in equal amounts 

One day I know more happiness will flow but for now I just allow 

What I need to come out 
Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2015

Would you walk?

Would you walk by my side with a guiding hand?
Hold fast as the darkness pulls my coat tails taking me down
Would you shine a light just enough to show the path
But not enough to force me to abandon my heart
Which is slowly getting used to a different tomorrow
A one where I live in a land I don’t want to understand
I will because it’s inevitable
But now,  well now my friend you are by my side
I can look forward,  with the help of my guide
You stay asking nothing in return for your care
And it’s this that comforts me as I travel on the way
It’s with your strength I have gone from darkened rooms
I can now glimpse a clearer brighter day
The world as I knew it has changed evermore
But your hand upon my shoulder
With barely a word spoken
Your strength more apparent than even you can know
My way ahead now showing some sign of things to come
Not once did I have to ask the question or wonder where to go
Because my unnecessary question of you was answered
Before I asked
My friend I know that whatever problems arise
You beside me walk

Ailsa
© AilsaCawleyPoetry 2015

Wonder of the dance

Hardly a breath taken as she leans closer, closer still 
Getting drawn in to her own astonishment as the tale dances in her veins 
It takes her over and she is not an observer she is there 
Audible intake of breath as the snow begins to fall inside the room fluttering down 
Her hand clapped to her mouth 
Head shaking in disbelief as the girl in the feathered tutu seems to fly across the boards 
And she is so overcome the tears sting her eyelids but don’t break free
Incase they hamper her view of the wonders ahead 
She is part of their world if even for a short time it’s a glimpse into myth and magic 
But it’s true because she’s here and a witness to every move they make
She can believe in magic in its sparkly , twinkly beauty 
Because magic shows its ugliness and glamour in equal measure and there’s always a way
A way through the dark, the fear 
She leaves after the encore filled with a knowing otherness 
She will make her own future and she is beautiful 
She can be , she is magic.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry2015