A preference

What would I prefer? I ask myself
Would it be the heat of anger
Hotter than any fire
Burning with the ferocious waves of internal lava
So I have to bite back my words
As they will turn you to a solid mass
Of never moving ashes

Will it be the cold calm fury
From where I watch you playing games
And the cool me more frozen than a glacier?
I could pierce you with my ice if I so wish
Frozen for all time

I wish neither of these things
They are not beneficial in any way
You will eat at my angers hot or cold
Every time you create another drama

I know that the storms must be weathered
For the moment
When the last string that forces me to be bound
Breaks
You will need a safe harbour to hide
As you unleash your own storm of ignorance
Your bliss will end by your own hand
And I will have no pity left to spare.

Ailsa

Slithering

Again you’ve struck at what you say is the heart
Of your world
You cannot see the precious gemstone as she watches
Silently growing
Further away with little or no respect
For anything you stand for in life
She sees a fool
To whom she smiles
Indulgently
Learning to grow up and away from you
Your strikes are almost written in stardust
Poisoned trails
Through the sky
Which will lead once more to the world hating you
As you’re convinced that it does
Not your fault
Got no blame
But someone else must always pay the price
For your own lack of feeling something
I can’t say what
I do not know
My hands are washed of your cruelly executed plans
Everyone’s a price or transaction to deal with
No humanity
In your empty
Piteous shell
Devoid
Transaction when she looks one day
In your cash register for a soul
Display reads
Void.

Ailsa

What is it?

What is it about you that craves attention?
Trying, though not succeeding to tear down others
For caring
Giving a damn
You have an awfully empty existence
To need to pull another being apart
Spiteful words finished
By a twisted smile
Do I have close friends this desperately weak?
You have made a mistake, so much have they endured
No they don’t
Seek your pity
Not even your friendship and understanding
I say to you seek your own humanity
Dig it out
Buried deep
But for those who have to create this drama
Make unnecessary nastiness in the world
Be very aware
It comes back to you
My friends are precious and few
Don’t try to harm them, I can make
A formidable
Enemy

Ailsa

Faceless

The monster who stalks my dreams is faceless
I find myself wishing I could see
More of it’s unavailable countenance
Or know something of it
It crackles in the darkness
With an energy immortal
Showing itself through the gloom
See it from the corner of my eye
Although it follows nightly, close
I am no longer afraid
What it represents
I do not know
It is a constant companion
Which I tolerate till I know it’s purpose
One day I shall.

Ailsa

Golden eyes

Eyes that glimmer, sparkle when happy
Or when you have amused her
Look now,  or does fear repel you?
Are you afraid to see the ice crystals
That have begun to develop there,  in their depths
You think you are able to always talk around things
Avoid, evade perfect tactical solution
You’re sure it’ll
Work out fine
Daring to look again, smallest glance
You start to reassure yourself

Till you notice
That the glittering smile, shining eyes
Are looking at the man who was standing behind
Waiting for her to look at him clearly
She can’t even see you now
Gliding past you to his embrace
You’ve realised you woke up too late.

Ailsa

Free from

You spent so long just picking, picking
So the scabs remain below
The surface
Knitted loosely
But not able to heal, however much I wish it
I wear that new dress with sheer panic
Racing through me, waiting to be found out
Fraud they’ll yell
Fooling nobody
And they’ll laugh in the corner among themselves
In a huddle I cannot enter for the glass partition
Is against
My shamed face
Hear every single word you said they’d say
Daring me to challenge them on it.
I smile and play
The game with no rules
Except the words have to hurt deeply
Or they don’t count
Without knowing how, why or when I stopped (almost!)
Playing this twisted game of cards
Where the pack is slanted
So I never win
I did walk out in the new dress
Wearing the “tart” lipstick you threw away
Along with me
Walked out with the scales taken away
My eyes open and ears heard absolutely
Nothing at all
You were wrong and frightened
Of losing someone, anyone
So you weren’t alone
You tore me down to keep me at heel
Like a puppy
But I left anyway
I survived, and then I flourished
Despite you
In spite of you
I became more of the Swan than the duckling
You told me I’d always be
Because quite simply you lied,
Whispered in my sleeping ears,
Till my heart woke up with a jolt and decided
It was time
To fly away

Ailsa

Looking for magic

We all do it,  search for the magic
That deep thing so special you cannot ignore
Hunting it down
By day and night
Over days and years, to the horizon
Looking beyond the line you see
Never close
Next to them
Searching so hard for the magical second
When that thing will just happen
Open a door
Brave new world
All you need to do is go through it
Will you? As your heart pounds fearful
New horizon now
Search to start again
You never looked under your nose
Wasted so long looking at the distance
Wondering waiting
When you could’ve been going towards it
Or something better all along
Turning back to where you came
The roads were
Always there
You just chose to ignore the tracks
That could be taken till you needed to
Look now
Not ahead
At your feet,  close up, see what’s there
Look at every road and choose the one
Right for you
Right for now
Travel as and when you want to
But give yourself that much
You deserve it.

Ailsa