Am I afraid

Do I hang on the edge of the cliff
Afraid of falling or try and climb
So your depths do not claim me
Like darkness envelopes the day
Allow you to consume me whole
Frozen and yielding to your will

Advancing on your prey with stealth
Grinning maliciously in your victory
My eyes closed to the imminent end
Limbs unable to flee anywhere

Of a sudden my senses awakening
Body tingles like awaiting a lover
But you seek to devour, destroy me
Blood in me hot like a raging fire
As you come close to strike a blow
Your first sweet blow
I strike and knock you from your perch
How I do not understand
Your hands like talons rake at me
And in rage and fear you fall down, down
Losing forever your grip on me
Your screeches of rage heard on the wind
In every storm henceforth.

Ailsa

I don’t exist to..

I don’t exist to tick your boxes equating perfect
No, really it’s true!
Hard as it must be to believe for you
I am not in the habit of asking your opinion
Never have of anyone else
What’s different about you?
My world does not revolve with you the sun
I promised one far more important, dear
That I would only be one thing ever
True to myself
In answering my souls song
For it alone has the tune, melody
Meaning that I live by
So you see, I cannot turn down the volume
It must play to the last beat
I am merely one thing alone
Myself.
Do you see now? If the song stops so do I
Something that is not ready to happen yet.
But I should be polite and thank you for your care
Advice and guidance on me.
Please don’t wait for it

Ailsa

Kindred spirit

A meeting of friends, kindred spirits
Of soulful beings with a common understanding
Free from shackles
Jumped off the treadmills
Walked away from wheels in motion, anxiety
The constant need to conform to the norm
So souls can wither and die
In a body that saunters on
No other can see to look at the outward countenance
Seeing only the painted on smiling face they perceive
Because they can’t bear
To delve a little deeper
Get to know the person behind the painted smile
Ask questions, incase they find something unpleasant
Or heaven forbid
Different,
What would we do then?
Look deeper and take in the words unspoken
Behind those you heard uttered to you
To salve your ineffective
Abilities to understand hearts
Take a deep breath and give the time
You will receive so much you could need
Without knowing you require it
Having these friends
Is worth more than any jewel could be
Take the step over the line
Break the barriers and give not only to new friends
Or old friends
But to yourself

To new friends and old. I thank you

Ailsa

Deception

Hard to believe you were so deceptively   genuine
With your sad-shy smile
Your stories of growing up loveless
Unwanted, hurt
Imagined slights
Now I know how many stories you created
I will never know what possessed you
Or if your paranoia
Believes itself
So you garner pity from unwitting souls
Willing to feel for you and unravel
Your tales of disaster
Hardship and self pity
Dollar signs kerching in your eyes and dance
Across your head, alarm bells ring up the cost
Of everything but the
Value of nothing that matters
To many other beings who feel human
You are a sad specimen
A human calculator
Every apparent good moment
Put into the database for future recompense
Then used when it’s appropriate
A favourite word of yours
How does love become a given in the world of you?
Only when it has a price tag
You can claim back later
On the expenses form in your mind
Where all owe you something, everything they are
Wake from your slumber
Nothing, not a damned thing
Is owed to anyone
To receive back is a gift unexpected
Not a demand for outstanding bills.
I was fooled once, woke with a start
Rouse yourself fast
It’s going to be too late for you
So very soon

Ailsa

Where is the girl?

You know the one…
The girl who looked far ahead at life
Imagined she was almost invincible
Looking in wonder
At so many things
You know that girl…
Shining eyes, confident in herself, mostly
Standing against the backdrop of life
No fear written on
Her face, a little afraid of…
What she wasn’t sure, but it was there
That deep knot, just enough twisting in her
Not stopping her
Making her hesitate
Sometimes
Where is she now, that fearless girl?
For that is what she was.
Or was she merely more naive than a newborn
Thinking the world better than it really is.
Who knows
Do you actually care
She didn’t leave, but changed, not totally
Enough so when life tired, exhausted her
Sadness engulfed
Happiness elated
The world kept spinning too fast
Her dizziness is only shortlived, temporary
She may be down, but never out
And she is coming back
Fighting hard
Firing on all cylinders
Not hiding, lost, destroyed, forgotten
But gathering the pieces of herself together
Adapted where necessary
Mostly
She is exactly the same
Underneath
But showing herself only to the trusted few
For the majority don’t know her depths
Stronger than before
Complete at last

Ailsa

Can’t hate

Can’t hate you because I won’t let myself
Become taken over by bitterness
Refuse to allow you the headspace
You’d love
To take up
I can be angry that is bearable
It’s something I can breathe through
If I allow myself to hate you
I become the person you tried to make me
My freedom of thought is impaired
Because
I let it be
So you won’t feel the satisfaction of that emotion
That is what you always hoped for
You may have got many wishes granted
You may be Teflon coated so nothing sticks
When you put on the poor me act
Rub the lamp, genies grant wishes
This is the vengeful desire you seek
The wish won’t
materialise ever.
I’d say sorry for that, but I’m not
So I won’t lie,  like you do.

Ailsa

Chipping Away

You did slowly, deliberately, over time
The drip effect
Water torture
Sudden onslaughts to knock me off balance
Never things said in ways I could say you meant to wound
You’d sweetly wait to drop those grenades
In your war
Word war
The moment of conversation closure brought
Something that made my mouth go dry
Why did I just smile?
Or try to sort out the problem you saw?
Like I’m just being kind you know
Your thighs are getting bigger, of course
I’m SURE it’s only me who sees
You’re not exactly
Unattractive
Just thought you’d rather know from me
And I’d feel nauseous and numb
Examine myself and stomach churning
Convince myself
I was a let down
Hearing about how I could always sort it
Another smile, reassuring me (?)
When I’d walk for miles to be “better ”
Then came questions
Who did I see, it was ONLY a loving comment
And you’d never say another word
But you always did
Never clever
Not pretty
I didn’t expect beautiful or bright
Enough for you
To accept me
It wasn’t warts and all else
Only the failure
The don’t match ups
Funny how the looking glass showed you
A perfect picture of some mythical being.

Ailsa

Waking up

From my comfortable bed a noise disturbed me
Early morning
Sleepiness making me
Unsure if I heard, saw, felt anything
The shadow passes the door
Exaggerated
Slowness
Bolts me wide awake and senses alert
Face I don’t know peers in with a calming (he thinks!)
Sssshhhh
Like he’s lulling
a child
To sleep, so confident of his ability
I am jolted further as my mind tells me
He came
Downstairs
My child rests up there and I need to know
She is safe, unharmed from this.
I get up my blood boiling, heart pounds
Tribal beat in me
Protect, deflect
I yell like something unearthly, in language
I do not understand a word
OUT!!  LEAVE!!
While you can
Across the garden and to the fence give chase
Back inside the door you left open, ill you said (drunk)
Letting this person into the home
Two at a time
Stairs taken
I get into the room of my child
Where she lies awake,  safe, unharmed
I look into the room where you are now
And see you
Huddled, afraid
Didn’t even move till I told you it was safe.

Ailsa

Ode to being nice

You know how it goes the nice game
Don’t say that it isn’t what we do, not pleasant
Even when it’s true enough to make you sick
Of the verbal nicety games
And in my mind I stand there as I have a thousand times
Shredding you with my words
A tearful mess on the floor as the truth rips you apart
One day I will because it cannot stay contained
Forever
In a box,  tied prettily to keep in the mess
Maybe I won’t be the one who opens the box
And then you will be struck dumb
For
Once
As the shock of your own actions come home
I am not sure I can even feel pity for you
It is all your own doing, and you could have avoided it
At any
Time
You choose still your own desire for status
To be a
Someone
Who is not a someone you blind fool?
What are things when you are alone
Inside
Looking out
At what you could have had but threw away
Like something in the rubbish

Ailsa

Alice’s awakening

I am not Alice,  I cannot shrink to fit
Or take the potion to grow to be someone I am not.
Admittedly, just for a while
It was something I tried, an experiment
To check if I was a good enough version
Of the me that would be preferable
The person who can be accepted
But I fell down the rabbit hole, through the cracks
Veneer chipped, glaze cracked
Aching from the tiredness a facade creates
Rested
Awoke
Anew
To the dawning, that the show couldn’t go on
Let the curtain come down and be damned!
Damned if I do,  damned if I don’t
Decision made and held
Consequences will be accepted, shock expected
As finally from the chrysalis of fear,
I fly
A moth who will be only free
She, the raw ingredients of a future
That she will define, whatever judgement may say.

Ailsa

%d bloggers like this: