Pushing

Try pushing, cajoling

Screaming and wails

Hurl insults like boulders

To get through the day.

Try threats coated in treacle

Not subtle or sweet

You’ll wait till I’m ready

I bow at nobody’s feet.

Watch through cracks in the story

Make your own fairytale end

I can see through your mask

Don’t break and don’t bend.

I may say little to you but read

You so well

I’m wary not scared

You are but a shell.

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry 2018

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Cutting deep

Hailing down upon me the words cut

Deeper than any knife and I’d rather

The blows you threatened happen

Bruises I can heal and then they’re gone

Words are far sharper weapons

Cutting deep

You don the superior spitting face

Hurling untruths that matter not if I defend

Myself or agree, your mind made up.

As I trip backwards on the stairs

Land a few feet down with your face

Cutting deep

And you speak in hushed tones of my

Misdeeds that I half wish I’d done

To say I lead a life off the leash

An invisible chain that makes me start

If a single wrong word is uttered you’ll

Cut deep

So long you did that to me

Telling everyone that could hear

What a terrible person I was to you

How badly you were done to

And I see you now and think I escaped

I escaped

No more cutting deep

That wound is there running deep

Almost healed to surface scar tissue

No more cutting deep a helpless person

A woman who loved you once

Even the monster who wounded

You cannot love have to control every little

Bit of someone else but I know you’re not

Going to cut me ever again

Never again would you be trusted not to

Try and cut me deep

After sweet words and tearful apologies

Your method is always cutting deep.

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry 2018

Blood

It’s what we share I hear you say

We have the same blood

So….we have some DNA

Is that meant to make it good?

They smile no clue what I mean

But it ties us loosely together (you said)

Now surprised you’re not seeing

Or want connections lasting forever

Know all about it they strut

It ties our lives like string

Don’t you feel it in your gut?

This deep down caveman tribal thing

I nod …like a string you say

That holds down a balloon?

Yes you have it, that’s the way

Sharp snip cuts the cords

And that’s none too soon!

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry 2018

Eliza’s escape

Her years of living downtrodden

Were over she’d decided

Careful where she’d once been carefree

Words measured to be sure

The desired reaction will occur.

So Eliza spoke slowly eyes darting

To the faces in the room

Gauging the changes that said

Enough now give it a rest!

Then she’d laugh at herself before them

And when they said she’d no idea

Her head nodded in agreement.

Inside she’d fade a little more

Fake fixed smile no sad face here

When she’s the clown after all.

So used to hearing “you’re crackers ”

It was a stock phrase used

If she dared offer an opinion

And avoided the darkness that lurked

Behind their smiles, their eyes

In their savage minds.

She knew what happened in the evening

If she over stepped her bounds

So much when it was someone else

Whose cries she would hear

She’d order the sound turned down.

Eliza was so used to this world

Where she had to tag along

She decided after a few more years

That she could disappear after all.

Managing a believable illness

Only see through to a few

She held the gossamer curtain in place

Until she left the world by fading away

Slowly over the years and when they stopped

Taking notice, and her every breath

Into account . Her last revenge

was to bring the curtain down.

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry 2018

One room

It’s all there in this room everything

Almost all we have

The kids sleep in their beds happy

Clueless as to what I worry about

Thank God.

Look at my lad fast growing and so full

Of the hope children have

What can I tell him?

Things that aren’t relevant to them now?

Some things never change

Did I listen to my Dad as a kid

Don’t make me laugh

I love the auld feller

But we’re not much like each other

Well we both have a laugh and a pint

Maybe it’s why we get on

And then there’s my mother

She erupts like a volcano at times

Though the wife says I do as well

I can’t see I’m quite the same

But people laugh when I say that

Next to me is the wife and I say

Thank God

Where I’d be without her I don’t know

And the little one she’s watching me

Through cot bars and I’ll hear a giggle

If I so much as look before she launches

Over the top aimed at my belly

And then we’ll both be in trouble!

Really I want her to stay in bed warm

This is so damned cold the nets are stuck

Frozen there like they’ll snap if I touch

This spot by the window is freezing

But it’s my place to take keep them warm

Don’t tell them it hurts to breathe when I wake

A cigarette is what the doctor said

Would help me to breathe except now

They say I have to stop

Smoking or breathing?

Might be both if I keep feeling this bad

And I look around the room we need to escape

Four bodies in here is too much

It eases me to see our little family

We may not have a lot you see?

But we have each other and enough

We make sure of that ,only just

Thank God.

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry2018

A chance to be

I gave it back the thing I took away

From my very source

The chance to live and breathe and think

To become me once more.

First was the surrendering of all long thought things

And stopping worrying at my beings core.

I then found that to listen closely

Not just to others but to me

Never saying that I wasn’t worth

The me I’m meant to be.

So if I appear to have changed

I could sit and quietly apologise

But now I have surrounded myself

And learned to surrender nothing else

In my head I see your eyes.

They told me things I couldn’t believe

That my damaged heart was unable to grieve

The world it wrought damage needless

And we were unable to get through

Now I know I can carry on

Heard your words as you meant them

As you said welcome back to you.

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry2018

Mama

I’m walking over cobblestone skin tingling

Towards the lady I saw sometime

Shared a brief hello and smiles

I was alone that day just walking

Exploring a land not mine

I’m a stranger made welcome here.

This time I am in a group and she gives

A loving smile and hugs me tender hug

To her my pale skin is cold she worries

Head to foot she wears the black garb of her peers

She points to herself and me showing we are known

To one another if nobody else

She tells my family her name

I am in a foreign land I could be rejected

I am not

She puffs out her chest and says one thing

“Mama”, and again “Mama” with warning

She reaches into her bag, giving me sweets

Giving me tissues, and rubbing my arms

To warm me as only a mother can.

She points to show me where to find her

I nod understanding to this mother

Familiar yet unfamiliar

Family but not blood

Am kissed on both cheeks lovingly

By the never to be forgotten

Mama

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry2018