Eliza’s escape

Her years of living downtrodden

Were over she’d decided

Careful where she’d once been carefree

Words measured to be sure

The desired reaction will occur.

So Eliza spoke slowly eyes darting

To the faces in the room

Gauging the changes that said

Enough now give it a rest!

Then she’d laugh at herself before them

And when they said she’d no idea

Her head nodded in agreement.

Inside she’d fade a little more

Fake fixed smile no sad face here

When she’s the clown after all.

So used to hearing “you’re crackers ”

It was a stock phrase used

If she dared offer an opinion

And avoided the darkness that lurked

Behind their smiles, their eyes

In their savage minds.

She knew what happened in the evening

If she over stepped her bounds

So much when it was someone else

Whose cries she would hear

She’d order the sound turned down.

Eliza was so used to this world

Where she had to tag along

She decided after a few more years

That she could disappear after all.

Managing a believable illness

Only see through to a few

She held the gossamer curtain in place

Until she left the world by fading away

Slowly over the years and when they stopped

Taking notice, and her every breath

Into account . Her last revenge

was to bring the curtain down.

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry 2018

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One room

It’s all there in this room everything

Almost all we have

The kids sleep in their beds happy

Clueless as to what I worry about

Thank God.

Look at my lad fast growing and so full

Of the hope children have

What can I tell him?

Things that aren’t relevant to them now?

Some things never change

Did I listen to my Dad as a kid

Don’t make me laugh

I love the auld feller

But we’re not much like each other

Well we both have a laugh and a pint

Maybe it’s why we get on

And then there’s my mother

She erupts like a volcano at times

Though the wife says I do as well

I can’t see I’m quite the same

But people laugh when I say that

Next to me is the wife and I say

Thank God

Where I’d be without her I don’t know

And the little one she’s watching me

Through cot bars and I’ll hear a giggle

If I so much as look before she launches

Over the top aimed at my belly

And then we’ll both be in trouble!

Really I want her to stay in bed warm

This is so damned cold the nets are stuck

Frozen there like they’ll snap if I touch

This spot by the window is freezing

But it’s my place to take keep them warm

Don’t tell them it hurts to breathe when I wake

A cigarette is what the doctor said

Would help me to breathe except now

They say I have to stop

Smoking or breathing?

Might be both if I keep feeling this bad

And I look around the room we need to escape

Four bodies in here is too much

It eases me to see our little family

We may not have a lot you see?

But we have each other and enough

We make sure of that ,only just

Thank God.

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry2018

A chance to be

I gave it back the thing I took away

From my very source

The chance to live and breathe and think

To become me once more.

First was the surrendering of all long thought things

And stopping worrying at my beings core.

I then found that to listen closely

Not just to others but to me

Never saying that I wasn’t worth

The me I’m meant to be.

So if I appear to have changed

I could sit and quietly apologise

But now I have surrounded myself

And learned to surrender nothing else

In my head I see your eyes.

They told me things I couldn’t believe

That my damaged heart was unable to grieve

The world it wrought damage needless

And we were unable to get through

Now I know I can carry on

Heard your words as you meant them

As you said welcome back to you.

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry2018

Mama

I’m walking over cobblestone skin tingling

Towards the lady I saw sometime

Shared a brief hello and smiles

I was alone that day just walking

Exploring a land not mine

I’m a stranger made welcome here.

This time I am in a group and she gives

A loving smile and hugs me tender hug

To her my pale skin is cold she worries

Head to foot she wears the black garb of her peers

She points to herself and me showing we are known

To one another if nobody else

She tells my family her name

I am in a foreign land I could be rejected

I am not

She puffs out her chest and says one thing

“Mama”, and again “Mama” with warning

She reaches into her bag, giving me sweets

Giving me tissues, and rubbing my arms

To warm me as only a mother can.

She points to show me where to find her

I nod understanding to this mother

Familiar yet unfamiliar

Family but not blood

Am kissed on both cheeks lovingly

By the never to be forgotten

Mama

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry2018

Disappearing

Hidden from view as you are

Wrapped up in cloth that shields you

From your own deepest thoughts

Afraid to face the haunted places

Locked away in your minds attic.

Tell everyone you can justify

Every word, thought, deed, action

And you believe the stories you sell

Like two bit replicas on street corners

That fall apart under scrutiny.

Your eyes grow more hooded

Sharp only with suspicion of all

That cross your path unaware

Of what lies beneath the facade

Do you even exist in that husk?

A spectre has taken over anything

There once might have been

And you invited it to eat you whole

Devour your soul with pleasure

Pride all that remains of humanity

Alone in your shell you’re happily

Watching yourself

Watching

Who was

Disappearing

Ailsa

©️AilsaCawleyPoetry2017

Your game

You smiled knowing your message

was one designed to cut me,

in your eyes, strong versus weak.

And you would win for sure.

Peppering honeyed tones with barbs

destined to hurt and destroy,

you’d be victor, rigid versus pliant

And you would win for sure.

Didn’t tear strips with razor blades

but tried to bend and break me,

you’d be puppeteer making me dance

And you would win for sure.

I’d say I’m sorry it wasn’t how you imagined

The game would play, but I’m not.

I found your bubble is self created

You’re terrified I’ll win for sure.

In case you’re in doubt I don’t do competitions

To be popularity plus

Wake up and get past your fears

Life isn’t meant to be a drama

With people playing bit parts

Nor is it how skilfully worn your armour

As you aim for someone’s heart.

I can play the game but I’ve opted out

You can carry it on with someone else

But don’t be surprised if they know what you’re about

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2017

Overflow

It’s dripping like a leaking tap

Into an old sink

Plink, plink, plop

Watch it filling over weeks, months

Drop of worry here

Splash of anxiety there

A potent salty cocktail

Built on volatility and fear

The dam sets up to burst.

When it’s time will you know?

No holding back the wave

As I’m overcome with the flow

I feel the overflow explosion

Words tumble out

Tripping over everything in the world

The salt is stifling my breath

And I sob like a child

Feel like a fool

As I am overcome

Until it has had it’s way

And left me a broken wreck

On the floor

Ailsa

©AilsaCawley2017