Shining like starlight

After many a day quietly living in the box,
The beige and boring one that held, constrained her
It became too much, far too bright
She’d spent many a day pulling down the shades
Doing what she did best in quiet solitude
It was all so mixed that darkness and light
The real, imagined, and didn’t always come tied with a bow
So she hid it away because who’d be interested right?
And the box had a window small but hidden
In trepidation she opened it just a crack,
Convinced herself she’d close it soon
As her light was allowed to trickle through and out
A voice from a dark forest in the corner whispered
Be brave,  the colours, swirling,  and you most of all you
Are destined for greater things
She ignored it till it began to loudly yell
Look around you at the sky in the room now
Astounded she saw it begin to grow daily
Emanating from her very being,  breathing it in and out
She was it
So bright she had to open the window wider
For the light in the box was too bright and she feared the sparks
Setting fire to the beige box cell she was in
Flooding forth she found herself no longer rooted to the box
And she shone,  she shines still
The light pouring forth from her eyes
The dark and light twinkling all around her being
In a never ending sparkle that strikes awe
Into the unsuspecting soul as she shares it
With the world.

For J.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Eggshell heart

I see them trample on your eggshell heart,
Without a care of whether it will break.
My instinct to dash forth and protect ricochets in my mind,
But I know I cannot and to stand still until you call
Or waver and glance needing reassurance that the shell has not broken,
At least not beyond repair this time.
It grows stronger, tougher every onslaught
But it shouldn’t have to,  it shouldn’t.
I swallow my anger for that helps no-one
Least of all you who needs my heart to heal the cracks
You try to cover in your eggshell heart.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Circus paint

Many a time spent chasing behind, smile painted on
There under false pretences not sure
If I’m going to be found out anytime soon,
Driven away for not being who I allude to
Never the sparkly, witty one
Rather the one who watches from a quiet corner
As the circus unfolds…
Who shall I be tonight?
Dancing rock star whirling about the room
Or a wallflower clinging to the bar there,  like a life raft?
Circus paint on,  costume on? Check
Hair,  heels, personality all in order
Still unsure if I’m in the wrong fairytale,
And how soon can I escape it all….
It’s all started to bore now you see
Daily adventures have become monotonous
Looking at faces flushed red, dull eyes
Comprehending nothing other than a drink
Which is blotting up the spilled ink of their daily story
That they have no way to escape from.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

The fearsome warrior

I don’t care what you think about me, I don’t think about you at all – Coco Chanel

Just a woman she’d heard it said, no good for much except a bed!
She worked harder than any man she knew
Proving herself daily as her confidence grew.
Always knowing she was an almost son, respect forever hard won.
As she grew old and retained her inner fire
They looked and saw just a woman filled with ire.
Her favourite saying “you’re as good as everyone else, and in some cases better, but keep that to yourself!”
For when she was a girl you hid your light so deep
You’d forget it were there, a secret to keep.
She heard the comments, formidable, tough, hard, unforgiving
Except that she knew at the end she was winning
As woman, mother, sister, friend
You took your hurts she still found a way to mend.
Feeding you plenty, asking what no one else could
Because it was not nice, or not something you should
So every time I hear a mention in comparison I swell
My pride in her always will dwell.
A warrior she was and will remain on a green hill
A fearsome woman ahead of time then and still.

Haunted by

I walk to the bus and you are there, not by me
Never by my side, following incase I speak to a person unchecked
Someone not through your process.
Which is that you ask? Surely speech is free?
You might think, but
I’ve to watch my step, my expression, my interest
Smile and say hi for a moment your voice says
But as I half turn looking over my shoulder slyly
For all the world a spy in my own prison world
I see you shuffle-dive into a doorway
Once I used to ask you why you followed me, always
You laughed, huffed, got angry
Except it wasn’t me alone who saw you, was it?
Jokes masking the serious questions of why, just why
Did you need to know my every second and try to breathe for me
If I tried to do it alone I was closing you out
So you followed sometimes nearly stumbling into me
Or you called telling me I had been away long enough
And if I loved you, really loved you
I would only want you and it would be enough
Till the day you issued a threat up close
When up she stepped, the hidden one, usually being timid
Always wanting to see you happy, or just calm
You threatened me the last time then didn’t you?
When I looked you in the eye and told you to sleep awake
Keep your eyes open forever
You hurt me before, but never again
I have waited, and like the snake who strikes
You will find you cannot time my attack, nor will I stop!!
Would I have ever been able to do it?
I simply don’t know, but it stopped the onslaughts
Every day.
But the strength began to build a bridge
Not between us, but to a new song where you don’t feature.
And I am not haunted by
Day, night,you.

The man who had dreams

An excerpt from a conversation which extracted a promise,  for which I shall remain ever grateful ❤

The man who had dreams, called to me one day
If you have wishes my child don’t bury them away
Never parcel them tightly, hidden in a box
That is bound by ribbons ending in locks.
They’re put there by those who have fears of the dark
Give them a fire and their fear is now sparks!!
Anything different they can’t comprehend
So whatever you choose will seem like the end
Promise me dear child among their own road of tumult
You will step back and ensure your own heart is full
For if you will trust in the world you can see there
This is the wonderful world of mine you can share.
Never have fear of pursuing your heart
Without the head cannot make a start
Follow it,  follow it,  follow your dreams
For they mean so much more than many have seen.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

And you were wrong

In your head shakes I saw it more clearly than you thought

As you wandered off telling me not to be stupid

Dreams were for other people, other world’s 

Best to just forget with almost disdainful pats to the head,

While crushing my dreams,  your fears,

Underfoot a grinding to dust to be sure the fire couldn’t ignite

Except it never fully extinguished

It just went on a slow low gas, like dinner set to low

Awaiting it’s time to be served, fulfilling needs

Maybe not yours but you can never search horizons

Looking at the beauty therein

Your only thought is tomorrow’s weather,  hang tonight’s beauty

For what good is a golden ethereal light really

And as you walk away marvelling at how sensible you are

How much of a sleep walking dreamer I am

Ask yourself how much you have to show

For blocking out the golden shimmer,  or the almost violent sunset

I have my wild imaginings some can be real

But like a genie you fear

You corked the bottle tightly,  bound and hid it.

My genie roams free but when does yours  burst forth

Escape and turn on you

For keeping it a prisoner TOO long?

Eyes of

And she watches me intently with the eyes of a recalcitrant child,
The anger there like an icy cold blast
Her disappointment on display for all to see
If the shutter has rattled down the blue is slate grey
With only lighting flashes of their original blue
The time is fast approaching where your tenuous thread
She will snap in icy anger
Your face will register shock then disbelief
Because it wasn’t you,  never was, couldn’t be
Could it?

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Feather touch

You turn to look behind you and see nobody there
A hand upon your shoulder that does touch
whenever  burdens weigh
Convince yourself it’s wild imaginings
And you’re being fanciful today.
Shake your head impatiently,  yes force it from your mind
Tell your soul your heart is bringing those feelings
Force it to pay no mind
What is it you’re afraid of, thoughts you do not speak?
Allowing the comforting arms at your shoulder
Or a missing other that you seek
Why be wary of the feather touch from those in shadowlands?
Has there been harm within the warming hands
The ones who help and guide you will return day on day
Give them the grace of acknowledging a shield
That by you will always stay.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Withered within

It was empty inside like a shell long devoid of the snail
The bits that made me strong and capable
Felt like a tangle of too many crossed wires
And then I met you and I wanted to stand there
To talk all night about everything and nothing
No ulterior motive just to feel human
To say what I thought,  debate all night
Didn’t matter who if either was right or wrong
Only to know I counted that I had a place
It didn’t have to be anything big or wondrous
Nor did it have to mean much to anyone
And I never expected it would or could
But it was there, a reed with the water of life
Taking away the vinegar I always tasted
The sourness of feeling wrong and cursed
Or stuck in a never ending maze with the way out barred
With my insides dried up,  like old fruit
And my heart which beat only because it had to
It beat only for my child who I was afraid to lose
Change and lose
Stay and lose
Suddenly my head told my heart it was time
And the drumbeat began in earnest
It played a song I didn’t understand
Still find difficult sometimes as it’s still new
It’s a long song,  a forever song
A song of circles,  rings and returning home
To a present and future
To the freedom and togetherness which I never knew
Thought of as faery tales and myths
And know now they can be real
If you believe
Do you believe?

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

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