Category: feelings

Offering nothing more

Laid out is the offering the table well laid for the party promised 

To attend but failed 

He’s sat there watching her over an hour now 

Thinking her too stupid to know he is there in the shadow white night 

Snow tumbling down covering car and its tracks in white 

Disguised in his head parked just to the left 

Of his usual spot where he’s noticed straight away  

For he needs to be noticed by adoration or pity 

Overall it’s attention he needs and craves like his crutch 

Does he feel anything for anyone she asks 

Her anger is boiling and bubbling like oil in a pan 

Starting to lick into flames 

Tamping them down she tries for this day at least to ignore the dark anger that bides 

Like a being in her chest as she feels disgust start to reign 

Tiniest spark ignites to light her way forward 

Showing her there’s an end to his tyranny in sight 

As something goes flying when he can’t get his way, feeling disgust at what she sees 

No more wanting to help, pacify, or excuse 

The narcissist who’s out to destroy piece by piece  

Each last atom of self respect that she holds in her hands hidden from view 

He slams out walking away like a threat 

Slithers down the wall till she’s sitting cross legged as a child 

Listens to words of friends playing on repeat 

Walk away while you can, make the parasite leave and stop leeching your life  

She lets angry tears flow as she walks to her lonely room  

At herself for this lasting so long 

Never again will she allow herself to be under this kosh 

How it happened she’ll never understand .
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

All very convenient

When you pick the memories you’d like to have happened 
Then forget the ones that did
Telling everyone she was carrying on with someone else 
Who she never even met
Because it’s all very convenient

When you threatened her with harm if she walked alone at night  
Then tell the world you’re afraid for her
Make sure you turn up where her family go to see crocodile tears
Say she’s left you in ruins 
Because it’s very convenient

Some people ask her if it was true your routine so worked out
All the things they said were they true 
I could have answered and defended myself
But I let them take their own ideas away
Why should I explain what they choose to believe? 
For a penny’s worth of gossip so say naught and become branded
Because I don’t believe it’s that convenient
At all

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Acceptance of anything 

Your eyes roll as she tells you she can’t take the burden on her 

It gets heavier daily 

You’re not on your knees yet is your retort 

Snarling sarcasm oozing from every pore to poison her mind 

Against herself 

Agreeing she can accept more, a little longer 

Wishing at least one promise comes to fruition though it won’t  

Your words twist like a rusty knife leeching poison 

Through her tired veins 

Someone who has seen it all before makes her promise to ensure this 

Is the last time that she gives because 

She has nothing left to spare this sucking insect without destruction   

And finally although she’s told him just a little longer 

Everyone still fooled by the tearful lines of being misunderstood  

Calls her up and begs on his behalf like she knew they would 

Her sanity worn to a frazzle, because she’s drowning 

But that last fight you have before you sink is always fiercest 

And she forces herself to the shore where he no longer resides 

Leaves the ghosts of the past to play at unhappy families  

What does she have left he taunts her……

More than I realised, more than you wanted for me, just more 

It’s called life not perfect, but I can make dreams 

She has begun 

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Behind the mask

Could see you thought it was amusing,  clever even
To stand her there on the spot
Making her watch the baying crowd ordered to hate
Told give her every ounce of nasty you have
Because I will know and if you don’t
This is your fate
Evermore
She brought me no gift only knowledge and that
You spit hatefully is not good
I alone have power and it’s all mine to choose your fate
You giggle cruelly piggy eyes narrowing to red slits
So if you make a punching bag of her
My eyes will see nothing
Slap her hard to ram home your point
Carefully check to look for tears you want to see there
White with anger at none
She’ll never tell you she cried at night to mask fear
Smiled and tried hard to hide by day
And you with the label teacher hated her for facing you
In abject terror she masked
Hating herself for not just giving in to worship you
Like the rest
She saw through the monstrous mask and refused to give in
How many more would you break if she did? 
How many after?
Only hoping you were found out for the monster you are
Behind the mask

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Shades of a person

The shutters down as he tells her it doesn’t hurt
To try that again
You do want us to be happy don’t you?
Know I won’t harm you really
She’s beyond any fearless answer wondering
If she ignores it this time
He’ll get to see the others he says hurt him
Have got no sway
Casually mentions that he doesn’t mean to harm
But if she just didn’t get so
Goddamned mouthy
She’d not need to hide the bruises if she didn’t fight back
Or say things he doesn’t want to hear
Her insides are dying she feels withered and shrunken
Her world is closing down
Like a store gone bust departments closing
Some parts dark
One place holds out to the grasping fear
Telling her survive or….
What
There is someone else to protect here and rage eats her
Explodes like the ticking time bomb it always was
Anger bigger than herself
She shakes inside as she spits boiling venom
Ordering him out in measured words
Burning and trying to keep a lid on the fear of intensity threatening
Fight,  fight,  no more flight
No tears to shed just bile to cool
Self hatred to lose
And she sends the curtain crashing down
On a stage he thought was assured
Exit stage left the cabaret now the audience is no longer fooled

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Dancing with Jimmy & Vettrianos Butler

Dressing up in the floor length gown that skimmed curves
Without clinging tight
Applying her make up and feeling a million dollars
Rolling black satin gloves up her arms
In her head dancing over the carpet of sand
Where Vettriano’s butler would dash
To shield her from anything
Except it was you telling me I looked ridiculous, a fool
Thinking of a quick change too late as a vehicle honks
My eye straying to the necklace a snake curled
You shake your head and tell me they’ll laugh
Climbing in a familiar voice
Well hello there and why do you look so low? 
It’s Jimmy telling me I look like an Egyptian Queen
Or a movie star
My breath catches waiting for the punchline
Stop and Jimmy’s hand is on my arm with a smile
Allow me my lady he says
Helping me down with gentle grace
He whispers in a stage aside you’re beautiful he’s scared
I only wish I’d seen Jimmy after that day
My own Vettriano’s butler I thank you.

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Holding tightly

If you hold her tightly she will stay by your side
Unaware of another world
Every thought of trying something new vetoed before
Reasons why it couldn’t work
Then she found things to try and not mention
Your fears too exhausting
Her wings were clipped so carefully far back
To stop flight
Desperately climbing the highest peak she sought
Pushing forward to the top
Breathless with fear, anticipation,  determined to know
How flight would feel yet….
Wings so sparsely feathered she’d surely crash
As had been foretold
Running to the edge she jumped and began descent
Gliding on the wind
Only a gentle bump to land and realised she didn’t need them
No wings held her up
Just belief that maybe she could if she tried
From now she would.
No thought for your fears

Ailsa

©AilsaCawley Poetry 2016

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

The moths silence

Wings beating fast, faster still against the words
Oh fearful things
Fused together over time in a few sentences
Believed and uttered
So I don’t grow too much of anything
A sense of hope,  longing, growth
Because I might become that person dreaming
Too high
Flight too close to the flames makes dust of me
Foolish motes on the wind
Better to be unnoticed in the corner and safe
From ridicule I thought
Ah but now I see this is not possible
For I will become dust from doing nothing
Having no destiny
Or destination but obscurity
In knowledge I fly to the brightest part of the flame
I may disintegrate to nothingness
Knowing I tried to do something to show my own self
I will keep silent as I’m devoured
The moths silence

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Lioness

Watching and drinking in the whole scene to weigh it up 

Carefully prowling 

Until she knows what to use precious energy on 

Circling in a slow decreasing arc towards the thing in eyeline 

It is not aware of her presence yet 

So used is she to moving deliberately and nonchalantly that nothing 

Even notices 

Unless she wants to be seen 

Or they have crossed her path on the wrong side 

Mainly she does not roar she is unassuming, quiet even  

But a chord of fear is struck when they hear her angry battle cry 

Notice for the first time her teeth. 

So much drank in slowly, like milkshake through a straw 

Chilling her insides little by little a steady stream of ice 

Till her hot anger overflowing but slowly edge her towards her target 

Watch her smile as she slithers in shadow 

Kill her prey ? No not her.

Breath like crystals of ice as she breathes over the fallen prey 

Who smiles unsure of why she looks different to them 

And as her mouth covers theirs she lets it all come forth 

Freezing their heart in their chest  with the cold built up over forever 

Now she is free.
Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016 

Past Futures

Weave them well lass she said they’re only but scraps
Make your binding so tight not to break
Take only the best pieces you can see
And no faith in life allow to shake
The road you are carving has been trod before
But not with your footsteps,no
Be sure that you follow the path you know to be true
Not that easy course that’s well worn
The girl as she’s known is nodding but fears
What if my waiting is all wrong
You never waited, you said all on your mind
It never hurt you to leave past behind
So I’m not as strong as you think I might be
I am sure my waiting will let us both down
Lass the older one said who said I never did hurt? 
I had no way to stand back and think
Learning only to react and then wonder
It was my own heart and others I’d break
You have learned well so as not to know
And this was always my goal

Walk from the hills and leave them your fears
They have perfected losing it there
Hear the wind howling she asks
And of course she nodsthat she does
That cave at the top you get there by dreams
Of vanquished villains and brave dragons who
Will be just out of sight
So climb high in your head as you lie in bed
And I will stay by you as you fight again
Call only my name should you need me lass
Not more than a heartbeat away
Not all shine you see is of solid gold
And I am but through the doorway
Whose handle you are not permitted to hold
Don’t fear the future it’s lying in wait
It’s there awaiting you now
Only you can can see it go ahead now
Let it hold and enfold your desires
Now walk ahead feel the earth at your feet
Tread the ground of your home and hearth
The girl turns to thank for the calming advice
Only the whooping of wind remains

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016