The monster who stalks my dreams is faceless
I find myself wishing I could see
More of it’s unavailable countenance
Or know something of it
It crackles in the darkness
With an energy immortal
Showing itself through the gloom
See it from the corner of my eye
Although it follows nightly, close
I am no longer afraid
What it represents
I do not know
It is a constant companion
Which I tolerate till I know it’s purpose
One day I shall.
Ailsa
Eyes that glimmer, sparkle when happy
Or when you have amused her
Look now, or does fear repel you?
Are you afraid to see the ice crystals
That have begun to develop there, in their depths
You think you are able to always talk around things
Avoid, evade perfect tactical solution
You’re sure it’ll
Work out fine
Daring to look again, smallest glance
You start to reassure yourself
Till you notice
That the glittering smile, shining eyes
Are looking at the man who was standing behind
Waiting for her to look at him clearly
She can’t even see you now
Gliding past you to his embrace
You’ve realised you woke up too late.
Ailsa
You spent so long just picking, picking
So the scabs remain below
The surface
Knitted loosely
But not able to heal, however much I wish it
I wear that new dress with sheer panic
Racing through me, waiting to be found out
Fraud they’ll yell
Fooling nobody
And they’ll laugh in the corner among themselves
In a huddle I cannot enter for the glass partition
Is against
My shamed face
Hear every single word you said they’d say
Daring me to challenge them on it.
I smile and play
The game with no rules
Except the words have to hurt deeply
Or they don’t count
Without knowing how, why or when I stopped (almost!)
Playing this twisted game of cards
Where the pack is slanted
So I never win
I did walk out in the new dress
Wearing the “tart” lipstick you threw away
Along with me
Walked out with the scales taken away
My eyes open and ears heard absolutely
Nothing at all
You were wrong and frightened
Of losing someone, anyone
So you weren’t alone
You tore me down to keep me at heel
Like a puppy
But I left anyway
I survived, and then I flourished
Despite you
In spite of you
I became more of the Swan than the duckling
You told me I’d always be
Because quite simply you lied,
Whispered in my sleeping ears,
Till my heart woke up with a jolt and decided
It was time
To fly away
Ailsa
We all do it, search for the magic
That deep thing so special you cannot ignore
Hunting it down
By day and night
Over days and years, to the horizon
Looking beyond the line you see
Never close
Next to them
Searching so hard for the magical second
When that thing will just happen
Open a door
Brave new world
All you need to do is go through it
Will you? As your heart pounds fearful
New horizon now
Search to start again
You never looked under your nose
Wasted so long looking at the distance
Wondering waiting
When you could’ve been going towards it
Or something better all along
Turning back to where you came
The roads were
Always there
You just chose to ignore the tracks
That could be taken till you needed to
Look now
Not ahead
At your feet, close up, see what’s there
Look at every road and choose the one
Right for you
Right for now
Travel as and when you want to
But give yourself that much
You deserve it.
Ailsa
I pound the shores, bringing food
I take your boats safely back to land
You give me your gifts, often
Unwanted, unnecessary
Your rubbish and cast-offs
You say you admire my strength and beauty
While you slowly pollute and kill me
I am the Sea.
I allow you flight and life
I give you breath to look at wonders
Of the world and beyond
You carefully zero your carbon footprint
So as not to spoil the atmosphere
And for this I applaud you
I am the Air and sky
I am the rocks of many types
Older than you or all your kin
I was here so long but am being destroyed
By thoughtless people who need to leave
Their mark upon my sister earth
I ask you in all our names
Earth, Sea, Sky, Air
To visit, marvel have a care
We can only be here while you will think
Leave only your footprints on your path
Take only a beautiful photograph
Don’t build new skyscrapers
It’s already been done
Keep moving, changing the landscape
To prove you’ve gone
The best compliment to the beauty you’ll pay
Is to leave well alone for future days
Do I hang on the edge of the cliff
Afraid of falling or try and climb
So your depths do not claim me
Like darkness envelopes the day
Allow you to consume me whole
Frozen and yielding to your will
Advancing on your prey with stealth
Grinning maliciously in your victory
My eyes closed to the imminent end
Limbs unable to flee anywhere
Of a sudden my senses awakening
Body tingles like awaiting a lover
But you seek to devour, destroy me
Blood in me hot like a raging fire
As you come close to strike a blow
Your first sweet blow
I strike and knock you from your perch
How I do not understand
Your hands like talons rake at me
And in rage and fear you fall down, down
Losing forever your grip on me
Your screeches of rage heard on the wind
In every storm henceforth.
Ailsa
I don’t exist to tick your boxes equating perfect
No, really it’s true!
Hard as it must be to believe for you
I am not in the habit of asking your opinion
Never have of anyone else
What’s different about you?
My world does not revolve with you the sun
I promised one far more important, dear
That I would only be one thing ever
True to myself
In answering my souls song
For it alone has the tune, melody
Meaning that I live by
So you see, I cannot turn down the volume
It must play to the last beat
I am merely one thing alone
Myself.
Do you see now? If the song stops so do I
Something that is not ready to happen yet.
But I should be polite and thank you for your care
Advice and guidance on me.
Please don’t wait for it
Ailsa
A meeting of friends, kindred spirits
Of soulful beings with a common understanding
Free from shackles
Jumped off the treadmills
Walked away from wheels in motion, anxiety
The constant need to conform to the norm
So souls can wither and die
In a body that saunters on
No other can see to look at the outward countenance
Seeing only the painted on smiling face they perceive
Because they can’t bear
To delve a little deeper
Get to know the person behind the painted smile
Ask questions, incase they find something unpleasant
Or heaven forbid
Different,
What would we do then?
Look deeper and take in the words unspoken
Behind those you heard uttered to you
To salve your ineffective
Abilities to understand hearts
Take a deep breath and give the time
You will receive so much you could need
Without knowing you require it
Having these friends
Is worth more than any jewel could be
Take the step over the line
Break the barriers and give not only to new friends
Or old friends
But to yourself
To new friends and old. I thank you
Ailsa
Hard to believe you were so deceptively genuine
With your sad-shy smile
Your stories of growing up loveless
Unwanted, hurt
Imagined slights
Now I know how many stories you created
I will never know what possessed you
Or if your paranoia
Believes itself
So you garner pity from unwitting souls
Willing to feel for you and unravel
Your tales of disaster
Hardship and self pity
Dollar signs kerching in your eyes and dance
Across your head, alarm bells ring up the cost
Of everything but the
Value of nothing that matters
To many other beings who feel human
You are a sad specimen
A human calculator
Every apparent good moment
Put into the database for future recompense
Then used when it’s appropriate
A favourite word of yours
How does love become a given in the world of you?
Only when it has a price tag
You can claim back later
On the expenses form in your mind
Where all owe you something, everything they are
Wake from your slumber
Nothing, not a damned thing
Is owed to anyone
To receive back is a gift unexpected
Not a demand for outstanding bills.
I was fooled once, woke with a start
Rouse yourself fast
It’s going to be too late for you
So very soon
Ailsa
You know the one…
The girl who looked far ahead at life
Imagined she was almost invincible
Looking in wonder
At so many things
You know that girl…
Shining eyes, confident in herself, mostly
Standing against the backdrop of life
No fear written on
Her face, a little afraid of…
What she wasn’t sure, but it was there
That deep knot, just enough twisting in her
Not stopping her
Making her hesitate
Sometimes
Where is she now, that fearless girl?
For that is what she was.
Or was she merely more naive than a newborn
Thinking the world better than it really is.
Who knows
Do you actually care
She didn’t leave, but changed, not totally
Enough so when life tired, exhausted her
Sadness engulfed
Happiness elated
The world kept spinning too fast
Her dizziness is only shortlived, temporary
She may be down, but never out
And she is coming back
Fighting hard
Firing on all cylinders
Not hiding, lost, destroyed, forgotten
But gathering the pieces of herself together
Adapted where necessary
Mostly
She is exactly the same
Underneath
But showing herself only to the trusted few
For the majority don’t know her depths
Stronger than before
Complete at last
Ailsa
ailsacawley 