Tag: life

Cold light of day 

She sleeps fitfully on her temporary bed 

Clothes strewn by her incase she needs to exit quickly 

Close by all she needs to run 

Early sunlight through the bubbled glass door dapple the hallway 

A shadow appears blocking the rays 

Early morning thoughts register nothing much of use 

Mind begging for a little more oblivion  from this world 

The dreams are far less fraught with danger 

She feels breath warm and unrecognised on her face 

Eyes flutter open to see a blurred vision 

A youth Unknown with black curls and finger raised in warning 

Ssssssshhhhhhhhh he whispers as if to still a child to slumber  

Another voice telling her ignore, see nothing 

Her heart slams as she yells angrily NO 

Do not quiet me in my home, she growls 

Run now you piece of …..RUN 

His eyes widen taken aback by the woman giving chase 

Unaware even that she is naked 

Intent only on seeing his end if she catches him now 

He takes flight through house, garden and over a fence 

A primal scream echoing behind him 

She has lost fear and any conscious thought of danger 

Growling through gritted teeth a war chant 

Her infant her only thought after he is gone 

Fear now, hands clench and unclench 

Images play in her head of what she may witness 

Her child is sitting up in bed, gurgling happily. 

She cannot believe it was she who acted earlier 

Though her head tells her

You would do it again. 

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

Seeking

And you keep seeking that elusive thing 
The one you’ll know before you find it
One difference in the air
Will make it bend to your will adoration flowing forth
Like you are a god with an offering at the altar
You wait growing ever older never wiser
Desperately seeking something but what? 
You shrug because you will know
And I shake my head
As I see you once more search for a thing
That’s nonexistent
An empty shell you can build into what you think
You might want
For now
Twisting to the beat of a wind you imagine blowing
A perfectly coiffed exterior
Never ceasing turmoil for the agenda has changed again
Your list longer
Denial and suspicion your own enemies
Built by you into monsters
Laying in the dark every day and night
And you are still desperately trying to see the prettiest baubles
To hang in the window
Hoping the seeking is ended but it is Neverending
You only want perfect

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

Nice

It was always about being a nice girl
Smile don’t scowl
Or people will think you aren’t a nice girl 
I could sense the fear behind the statement
That you always have a pleasant look
A certain demeanour
Don’t swear heavens that’s unforgivable
Nice girls don’t
Do anything much except nod and smile
Everything’s fine
That word another to cover a multitude of sins
Apparently nice girls don’t do these things
Curse,  swear, scowl,  show anger,  lose their cool
They don’t shout, have sex, say no, pout
Just try and be pretty while nodding and smiling
Like a marionette
Dammit I’m not a nice girl
Do I care?
No I’m not nice at all.  Oh well. 

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

The bite to ice

It’s his way of making friends you see, and once he knows you

he’ll be just like a melting pat of butter

All squishy soft and loyal, so,let him bite you, you implore

Don’t worry about a simple wound that will surely heal! 

Be careful to make him love you more than more 

His wound just makes you feel 

So he’s doing you a favour by showing he cares  

Not always a pain to draw blood you understand. Just minor things….. 

Words that don’t hurt right? 

No they take on a life of their own as they dance like demons in your head 

A year and a day after, a lifetime maybe 

He tries to convince you he’s melting but he’s like an iceberg with jagged edges 

They cut deep and will always cut 

Unless you walk away, don’t be fooled by tears or cajoling 

Find yourself wholer than you knew possible 

So complete you can be without fear 

In the sunlight you can watch as the drips of water equate to the ice 

You were forming around your heart. 

Breathe freedom.
Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Skimming the surface

Reaching in she pulls the paddle over and under trying hard 

To remove the scum gently  

If only she can be gentle enough with more time or patience her inner voice says 

It will be just as it should 

Again she works to remove another cruddy layer in determined silence 

The other voice tells another story 

Walk away abandon it, save yourself it beats a stronger rhythm than before 

A clang awakes her from her reverie 

Nothing clings to the paddle at her side so she checks the waste bucket at her side 

Perplexed at its emptiness of anything solid  

Realising that all along the shift was something she thought she was doing 

But she skimmed the surface of an empty barrel 

What she tried to perfect , put right is nothingness and just how she wonders 

Could that ever be done? 
©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016 

The beautiful lies

In the bubble of pretence your smile shifts
Like a ever moving desert sand
Picture change to suit the current story of the day
Pick through the rubble that is your mind
Mask slipping
Rubber stamp on the opposite page
So you can slide back into the rhythm you never had
A dream which didn’t happen
Though if you wait long enough then it might
Drop through the door you watch
You say do nothing and it’ll all work out
Don’t push for your dreams
They’re meant to fade with the light of day
Be like everyone else who asks the question of how
They can change things then accept
Learn to live with the same as the hordes before them
Swallow the beautiful lies like nectar from the gods
It’s a slow dawning till you realise
That bitter taste,  yes that one!
Is the taste of your own dead dreams sucked into eternity
So far out of reach because you deceived yourself
Into thinking you had to follow where you were told
The lie is wrapped in colourful splendour
Don’t breathe it
It can turn you sour slowly curdling like cream left in the heat
Walk,  run, escape the cat calls
Telling you that nothing different can happen
Run towards your hearts whispered wishes
Far from beautifully crafted lies

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Understand no dreams

It’s a childish thing your expressions say
No words just a twist of the lip
Curled in distaste and what you assume is knowing
Your vision doesn’t want to go beyond the garden gate
So you make the outer prison walls pretty
But liveable
Any new experience of mine has you
wondering what if I have gone
Too far this time and I’m falling on my face
Making a grotesque clown of myself
With childish dreams that should be in a box hidden
From sight,  thought and deed
Hide you whisper,  close down your mind
Dreams are not for living
Only thinking
You will me to give it up before I begin
I never could stay in the boxes designated for me
And you tut tut silently shaking your head
As I start to build not a castle for long dead lives
But a home,  simple and without barriers
No fence to imprison me
Or pretty garden to disguise it’s true meaning
Just a place I am at peace and home.
There is no grander a wish for me
Than understanding a dream can be real.

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Ice in the blood

She’s lying there feigning sleep to escape
Another discussion
One sided as always but he terms it a fair exchange
Same old start strokes her back
And whispers words in her ear in tones of love
Chilling her bones to the marrow
I always wanted to kill someone just once see how it feels
Racing heart she tries to calm
Know you’re listening you went rigid (chuckles)
She feels sick as he tries to nuzzle her neck
Moving slowly out of grasp
Almost
Ice moving through her blood so cold at the thought
Of what is beneath the surface beside her
Is he made of ice,  stone or just a monster
Masquerading as man
She dreams fractured dreams of smashing ice to tiny shards
Not cutting herself
But he won’t harm his words won’t wound
Seeking only a reaction from a sleep fogged mind
Yet yesterday she heard him telling a man
She’s a force to be reckoned with
Supposing that nodding and doing all the right things for him are
Then she must be
Except that deeper person hidden away tells her
Be the person in his smudged brain
Or pretend and let the spirit of the strong one inhabit you
Until the real you can step forward
Go on it urges for survival
The decision is made to obtain freedom
Ice crystals cool her blood

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Offering nothing more

Laid out is the offering the table well laid for the party promised 

To attend but failed 

He’s sat there watching her over an hour now 

Thinking her too stupid to know he is there in the shadow white night 

Snow tumbling down covering car and its tracks in white 

Disguised in his head parked just to the left 

Of his usual spot where he’s noticed straight away  

For he needs to be noticed by adoration or pity 

Overall it’s attention he needs and craves like his crutch 

Does he feel anything for anyone she asks 

Her anger is boiling and bubbling like oil in a pan 

Starting to lick into flames 

Tamping them down she tries for this day at least to ignore the dark anger that bides 

Like a being in her chest as she feels disgust start to reign 

Tiniest spark ignites to light her way forward 

Showing her there’s an end to his tyranny in sight 

As something goes flying when he can’t get his way, feeling disgust at what she sees 

No more wanting to help, pacify, or excuse 

The narcissist who’s out to destroy piece by piece  

Each last atom of self respect that she holds in her hands hidden from view 

He slams out walking away like a threat 

Slithers down the wall till she’s sitting cross legged as a child 

Listens to words of friends playing on repeat 

Walk away while you can, make the parasite leave and stop leeching your life  

She lets angry tears flow as she walks to her lonely room  

At herself for this lasting so long 

Never again will she allow herself to be under this kosh 

How it happened she’ll never understand .
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

All very convenient

When you pick the memories you’d like to have happened 
Then forget the ones that did
Telling everyone she was carrying on with someone else 
Who she never even met
Because it’s all very convenient

When you threatened her with harm if she walked alone at night  
Then tell the world you’re afraid for her
Make sure you turn up where her family go to see crocodile tears
Say she’s left you in ruins 
Because it’s very convenient

Some people ask her if it was true your routine so worked out
All the things they said were they true 
I could have answered and defended myself
But I let them take their own ideas away
Why should I explain what they choose to believe? 
For a penny’s worth of gossip so say naught and become branded
Because I don’t believe it’s that convenient
At all

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016