Tag: feelings

Tower of the doomed

It stood there,  he stood there pointing out the wonders
Of the prison block
I grant you the facade was marginally prettier
But it was shiny new
Unloved,  unlived in and the nearest thing to an ivory tower prison
So cardboard cutout she expected
The walls to shake in protest if she spoke
A false village all manmade and uniform
Rat run for the rat race
And the bedrooms are on the third floor the best is in the attic
Like bloody rapunzel without the hair she muttered
No ladder just a cardboard prison
She sees his excitement at lording it with the big
House,  car and I have arrived puffiness
Shuddered and felt the walls close in
If this was her prison she’d suffocate inside a week
Entombed in her box like an obelisk to someone else
He runs along describing the carpets and shades of beige
That can be used to make it look appetising
Like a cookie with no flavour
She can even hear the voice saying you’re trapped
In the labyrinthine tunnels forever
Then she makes her escape from the tower
And wonders what she is doing.
How she even got here

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

Eyes of a soul

What is it you see when you look into her burning copper eyes
That are slowly eroding to a dull grey
With each new hurt and disappointment etched forever
Like cuts in her very soul
She bleeds heavily at your feet prostrate for mercy
Yet you see nothing but sunshine and harmony
Or maybe you pretend because perfect is all
The only thing of interest
And human weakness is not for the likes of you
Searching for storybook happy endings that had no beginning
Terrified you may miss a thing more important
Than the eyes which trained on you
Tried to learn more before you bled her dry

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

Boneyard of hope

I step in the boneyard tripping here and there
On a carefully placed bone
Left in the misplaced hope that I will fear
The other side of this place
Sure it is cold from the lack of life and sunlight
Only a dusty sand carpet
Exactly as the makers intended it barren and empty
I am warm without the sunshine
The bone at my feet is not one of human flesh
I can crush it with bare hands to dust
Call out to the winds that fear will not defeat this dream
However much it is dressed up as end times
To get through this I need only trust
And the bones of sand will wither and turn to dust

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

Breaking the no chain

She was told she of course would be there, the speaker in no doubt 

That their invitation (command) would be heeded 

Widened eyes, gaping mouth 

As she uttered no thank you but no  

But I said you wouldn’t mind at all  

Don’t be awkward, obstinate, contrary and do your womanly duty 

Words hit like bullets but they don’t crumple resolve  

Giving her a hardness necessary but unfamiliar to her 

NO I won’t be doing anyone’s chore 

Or proving anything for them her voice less than pleasant now 

Feeling the waves of disapproval as waves on a winter shore 

You’ll come around, they’re nodding in certainty 

No really, I won’t change my stance whatever you say don’t wait on that!! 

And this is how I’ll stay 

Freed from chains of duty 
Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Parallel lives

Alongside me for an age but living elsewhere 

Floating in your own bubble 

Of the perfection you thought you created whilst wreaking 

Havoc mixed with desolation 

And you call me to tell me you’re so perfectly irresistible 

Forgotten are the tears I cried 

Waved aside your hurtful words and shameful lies 

Things you thought me to stupid 

To ever comprehend are stored in my memory banks 

Packed in darkened boxes in recesses 

Shoved away messily for fear of their escape pulling me down 

I refuse to sink on this ship of fools 

You hoped to create from a patchwork quilt of sewn together lies 

Half truths and hurt  

Never a strong swimmer until the moment I was in danger 

Of being consumed by a fabricated world of parallel lives 

Cutting the water with arms like blades 

I fling myself upon a rock  

The solid thing to be my salvation in this sea of doom 

That I only noticed when I needed it. 
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Dutiful

Dutiful is me she said with proud intonation
I do what’s expected of me
Well that’s all very commendable but do you
Enjoy it?  queried the other
The imperious tones explained slowly
You don’t take pleasure from duties to be done (laughing) 
You just know you are GOOD.
I smile with the awareness I am living everyone’s dream
Doing what is expected and more
Asked why she treads a path she doesn’t want to be on
Her retort is a scathing headshake and sigh
What would people think if I just went my own way?
How could I even begin to walk knowing I should be doing more
For the hordes who silently demand of me
They say I can do my own thing
But if I did they’d need me and struggle
Then I’d have failed them
What about you? 
She’s puzzled now
What do you mean,  I am here to help them
And when you get old and realise you gave to all except yourself? 
Will you resent them for your sacrifice
Don’t hate yourself and neglect your own dreams
You can help and be there while following your own path
Try it to give yourself a moment of care
And know your life is as worthy as others
Shock changes to understanding and she nods
A new light in her eyes

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

Seeking

And you keep seeking that elusive thing 
The one you’ll know before you find it
One difference in the air
Will make it bend to your will adoration flowing forth
Like you are a god with an offering at the altar
You wait growing ever older never wiser
Desperately seeking something but what? 
You shrug because you will know
And I shake my head
As I see you once more search for a thing
That’s nonexistent
An empty shell you can build into what you think
You might want
For now
Twisting to the beat of a wind you imagine blowing
A perfectly coiffed exterior
Never ceasing turmoil for the agenda has changed again
Your list longer
Denial and suspicion your own enemies
Built by you into monsters
Laying in the dark every day and night
And you are still desperately trying to see the prettiest baubles
To hang in the window
Hoping the seeking is ended but it is Neverending
You only want perfect

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

Nice

It was always about being a nice girl
Smile don’t scowl
Or people will think you aren’t a nice girl 
I could sense the fear behind the statement
That you always have a pleasant look
A certain demeanour
Don’t swear heavens that’s unforgivable
Nice girls don’t
Do anything much except nod and smile
Everything’s fine
That word another to cover a multitude of sins
Apparently nice girls don’t do these things
Curse,  swear, scowl,  show anger,  lose their cool
They don’t shout, have sex, say no, pout
Just try and be pretty while nodding and smiling
Like a marionette
Dammit I’m not a nice girl
Do I care?
No I’m not nice at all.  Oh well. 

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Destination unknown

Fireflies dance along the pathway like fluttering beacons
The path illuminated with gentle light
Healing each step as if sending a dart to my heart
This one hope,  that one balm
Flickering amongst themselves a conversation in flight
My destination uncertain,  unknown
I find I don’t care trusting my fate to an ethereal presence
Whose hand guides my shoulder
As I take on the falling rocks and howling winds
Led by no solid man
On a pathway trodden before me though the steps long gone
Worn almost smooth the rocks I now walk barefoot
My feet and soul as one
Rest awhile and gather scattered thoughts
Fireflies around me protectively dancing
I nod to carry on destination still unknown
But certainty that all will be well dwelling deep inside
The path must be trodden not from a duty
But for my own peace
My heart bleeding in harmony with the splintered paint on the door
Which lies ahead with walls unseen
Mouth dry I feel drunk on expectation as I stagger
To my journeys end
Or have I travelled to a new beginning?

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

It only counts

If you don’t know him well and he makes you hurt
Then it counts
If you hold her after and tell her it’s okay because you love her
Then it doesn’t
If you buy her something pretty to make her smile
You are entitled
To do as you please and no arguments can be made
Is your justification
When she cried out for you to stop it was encouragement
A mere enticement
No a simple form of encouraging you to carry on
The assault doesn’t count
Because you tell her you love her in between events
And then you were shocked
Weeping and wailing to the world of your confusion
How badly she treated you
Crumbling like an old castle in public places
Silent calls,  or threats of harm
Chameleon you colours change as they suit
More afraid the truth will out
Thinking still of how it was just her being dramatic
It doesn’t count,  does it.
It does. It does.

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016