Haunted by

I walk to the bus and you are there, not by me
Never by my side, following incase I speak to a person unchecked
Someone not through your process.
Which is that you ask? Surely speech is free?
You might think, but
I’ve to watch my step, my expression, my interest
Smile and say hi for a moment your voice says
But as I half turn looking over my shoulder slyly
For all the world a spy in my own prison world
I see you shuffle-dive into a doorway
Once I used to ask you why you followed me, always
You laughed, huffed, got angry
Except it wasn’t me alone who saw you, was it?
Jokes masking the serious questions of why, just why
Did you need to know my every second and try to breathe for me
If I tried to do it alone I was closing you out
So you followed sometimes nearly stumbling into me
Or you called telling me I had been away long enough
And if I loved you, really loved you
I would only want you and it would be enough
Till the day you issued a threat up close
When up she stepped, the hidden one, usually being timid
Always wanting to see you happy, or just calm
You threatened me the last time then didn’t you?
When I looked you in the eye and told you to sleep awake
Keep your eyes open forever
You hurt me before, but never again
I have waited, and like the snake who strikes
You will find you cannot time my attack, nor will I stop!!
Would I have ever been able to do it?
I simply don’t know, but it stopped the onslaughts
Every day.
But the strength began to build a bridge
Not between us, but to a new song where you don’t feature.
And I am not haunted by
Day, night,you.

And you were wrong

In your head shakes I saw it more clearly than you thought

As you wandered off telling me not to be stupid

Dreams were for other people, other world’s 

Best to just forget with almost disdainful pats to the head,

While crushing my dreams,  your fears,

Underfoot a grinding to dust to be sure the fire couldn’t ignite

Except it never fully extinguished

It just went on a slow low gas, like dinner set to low

Awaiting it’s time to be served, fulfilling needs

Maybe not yours but you can never search horizons

Looking at the beauty therein

Your only thought is tomorrow’s weather,  hang tonight’s beauty

For what good is a golden ethereal light really

And as you walk away marvelling at how sensible you are

How much of a sleep walking dreamer I am

Ask yourself how much you have to show

For blocking out the golden shimmer,  or the almost violent sunset

I have my wild imaginings some can be real

But like a genie you fear

You corked the bottle tightly,  bound and hid it.

My genie roams free but when does yours  burst forth

Escape and turn on you

For keeping it a prisoner TOO long?

Eyes of

And she watches me intently with the eyes of a recalcitrant child,
The anger there like an icy cold blast
Her disappointment on display for all to see
If the shutter has rattled down the blue is slate grey
With only lighting flashes of their original blue
The time is fast approaching where your tenuous thread
She will snap in icy anger
Your face will register shock then disbelief
Because it wasn’t you,  never was, couldn’t be
Could it?

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Feather touch

You turn to look behind you and see nobody there
A hand upon your shoulder that does touch
whenever  burdens weigh
Convince yourself it’s wild imaginings
And you’re being fanciful today.
Shake your head impatiently,  yes force it from your mind
Tell your soul your heart is bringing those feelings
Force it to pay no mind
What is it you’re afraid of, thoughts you do not speak?
Allowing the comforting arms at your shoulder
Or a missing other that you seek
Why be wary of the feather touch from those in shadowlands?
Has there been harm within the warming hands
The ones who help and guide you will return day on day
Give them the grace of acknowledging a shield
That by you will always stay.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Withered within

It was empty inside like a shell long devoid of the snail
The bits that made me strong and capable
Felt like a tangle of too many crossed wires
And then I met you and I wanted to stand there
To talk all night about everything and nothing
No ulterior motive just to feel human
To say what I thought,  debate all night
Didn’t matter who if either was right or wrong
Only to know I counted that I had a place
It didn’t have to be anything big or wondrous
Nor did it have to mean much to anyone
And I never expected it would or could
But it was there, a reed with the water of life
Taking away the vinegar I always tasted
The sourness of feeling wrong and cursed
Or stuck in a never ending maze with the way out barred
With my insides dried up,  like old fruit
And my heart which beat only because it had to
It beat only for my child who I was afraid to lose
Change and lose
Stay and lose
Suddenly my head told my heart it was time
And the drumbeat began in earnest
It played a song I didn’t understand
Still find difficult sometimes as it’s still new
It’s a long song,  a forever song
A song of circles,  rings and returning home
To a present and future
To the freedom and togetherness which I never knew
Thought of as faery tales and myths
And know now they can be real
If you believe
Do you believe?

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

She the mother

She’s probably on streets the world over
But you only pay attention to her when you don’t expect her,
That lady who is always a mother to all
To friend and stranger
You’ll know her when you see her in a glance
Has to know if you are warm,  happy and fed
Whether or not she has children of her own to hold
She has made a child of you
This is no belittlement just a sign of human grace
This person cares for any and all
Why can’t that include you? 
You could be nine years old or ninety she’ll care for you the same
Don’t mistake her care for anything but love of human race
I met one of these momma ladies upon a cobbled street
All wrapped up against the cold she felt
But she stopped her day to greet
The stranger in her villageshe chose to care for was me
She had to know if I was well and warm
Before she’d go on her way
Our language it was different,  gestures did just fine
Somehow our words were of no matter
I knew hers and she knew mine.
Once she was satisfied that all was well and good
Just like any other momma she told me I needed to get warm
Even though I wasn’t cold, and get inside beside a fire
And get some decent food.
I haven’t met her before or since but my heart was warmer for it
That lady,  momma, grandma, nonna,
Showed her light of caring it shone so bright
I’m touched beyond measure by the caring of that stranger
Who decided that she saw a child no matter of their age
Just for one moment I was a hand,  a heart to hold.

Ailsa

©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Where do you go to?

You locked the door so long ago that you misplaced the key

So where do you go to all locked away in your head, is it lonely?

I think you brought down the shutter with such a clanging thump

That your disappointment in an imperfect world left your heart a icy lump

Full of brazen bluff and blunt rebuff, and generic words of prudence

Platitudes with no substance giving yourself the false assurance.

You cant let anyone inside even were they to pick the locks now

Inside the shutter is a gate, and a wall, so nobody’s going to be let into the show

That you put forth as real

No one will see that the husk can still feel

So afraid of losing and being left behind all alone

You cast all the shadows and yourself in stone.

©Ailsa Cawley poetry 2015

Silent words

I saw the words crossing not your lips, but your eyes

A shadow of incomprehension as to why try it this thing

Why look at something bizarre and so many what ifs as to make it impossible

In never straying too far from your own back yard it’s tied you

By an invisible cord of fear that constricts your movement

Forcing shut your eyes because different isn’t the done thing

Changing means you’ve forgotten your roots, broken the branches

Of a tree that doesn’t exist, except in your mind where you created it.

You can create too but fear is blinding you.

Tell yourself it’s safe here with what you know, no risks.

And those who try different paths are mere fools

While deep in your jealous heart you wish it was you

If only you could pluck the courage up to try , beyond the safety of the garden gate .

By the Lord Larry

Walking home from school one day I found a tiny bird lying on the ground

What could I do and how to help this helpless baby that I’d found ?

When in he steps, Lord Larry, with his red hair all a mess

In painty clothes and smelling of turpentine, dirty boots at best

But to me, here you were because you could solve it all

If my dad was elsewhere, it was you that I would call

So minus shining armour, and steed of gleaming white

You smiled and said “I will help you, and look after him tonight ”

You told me I could dry my tears , you would take him with you

Nurse him if you had to , and he would make it through

I believed for many a year that you had set him free

imagined that you nursed a fledgling on your knees

In a way I guess you did, when you eased his suffering.

And you eased his end so pain could not bring.

I never got to thank you for being that shining knight

For that was the last time I saw you as you died after being my light

You had no wife, family, children of your own

but a gentle gentleman you were and that had always shown.

So to you my Lord Larry, I raise a goblet filled with cheer

For giving others help and erasing any fears.

To some this was just a normal man, but it means an awful lot

When you take the pain of others and give all you have got.

You always stayed a hero, I guess you always will

Lord Larry was a good man, Lord Larry you are still.

Poison

To some it’s like a drug they crave
The more they hand out, others they’ll save
Their acid barbs and twisted tongues words
Are given for the good of health they’d heard
If they break you down with loaded spears
Just get over it, it was best you know never fear
They will smile in fake apology and get on their way
Feeling good that they took the time to say
What others are saying because it’s of crystal clarity
And you didn’t say a word so there’s no disparity
Between what they said and what you’re thinking
That chalice of poison given for drinking
Remember one thing if you challenge or don’t
Theirs is jealous insecurity covered and honed.

Ailsa

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