Category: feelings

Dutiful

Dutiful is me she said with proud intonation
I do what’s expected of me
Well that’s all very commendable but do you
Enjoy it?  queried the other
The imperious tones explained slowly
You don’t take pleasure from duties to be done (laughing) 
You just know you are GOOD.
I smile with the awareness I am living everyone’s dream
Doing what is expected and more
Asked why she treads a path she doesn’t want to be on
Her retort is a scathing headshake and sigh
What would people think if I just went my own way?
How could I even begin to walk knowing I should be doing more
For the hordes who silently demand of me
They say I can do my own thing
But if I did they’d need me and struggle
Then I’d have failed them
What about you? 
She’s puzzled now
What do you mean,  I am here to help them
And when you get old and realise you gave to all except yourself? 
Will you resent them for your sacrifice
Don’t hate yourself and neglect your own dreams
You can help and be there while following your own path
Try it to give yourself a moment of care
And know your life is as worthy as others
Shock changes to understanding and she nods
A new light in her eyes

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

Seeking

And you keep seeking that elusive thing 
The one you’ll know before you find it
One difference in the air
Will make it bend to your will adoration flowing forth
Like you are a god with an offering at the altar
You wait growing ever older never wiser
Desperately seeking something but what? 
You shrug because you will know
And I shake my head
As I see you once more search for a thing
That’s nonexistent
An empty shell you can build into what you think
You might want
For now
Twisting to the beat of a wind you imagine blowing
A perfectly coiffed exterior
Never ceasing turmoil for the agenda has changed again
Your list longer
Denial and suspicion your own enemies
Built by you into monsters
Laying in the dark every day and night
And you are still desperately trying to see the prettiest baubles
To hang in the window
Hoping the seeking is ended but it is Neverending
You only want perfect

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

Nice

It was always about being a nice girl
Smile don’t scowl
Or people will think you aren’t a nice girl 
I could sense the fear behind the statement
That you always have a pleasant look
A certain demeanour
Don’t swear heavens that’s unforgivable
Nice girls don’t
Do anything much except nod and smile
Everything’s fine
That word another to cover a multitude of sins
Apparently nice girls don’t do these things
Curse,  swear, scowl,  show anger,  lose their cool
They don’t shout, have sex, say no, pout
Just try and be pretty while nodding and smiling
Like a marionette
Dammit I’m not a nice girl
Do I care?
No I’m not nice at all.  Oh well. 

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Destination unknown

Fireflies dance along the pathway like fluttering beacons
The path illuminated with gentle light
Healing each step as if sending a dart to my heart
This one hope,  that one balm
Flickering amongst themselves a conversation in flight
My destination uncertain,  unknown
I find I don’t care trusting my fate to an ethereal presence
Whose hand guides my shoulder
As I take on the falling rocks and howling winds
Led by no solid man
On a pathway trodden before me though the steps long gone
Worn almost smooth the rocks I now walk barefoot
My feet and soul as one
Rest awhile and gather scattered thoughts
Fireflies around me protectively dancing
I nod to carry on destination still unknown
But certainty that all will be well dwelling deep inside
The path must be trodden not from a duty
But for my own peace
My heart bleeding in harmony with the splintered paint on the door
Which lies ahead with walls unseen
Mouth dry I feel drunk on expectation as I stagger
To my journeys end
Or have I travelled to a new beginning?

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

The bite to ice

It’s his way of making friends you see, and once he knows you

he’ll be just like a melting pat of butter

All squishy soft and loyal, so,let him bite you, you implore

Don’t worry about a simple wound that will surely heal! 

Be careful to make him love you more than more 

His wound just makes you feel 

So he’s doing you a favour by showing he cares  

Not always a pain to draw blood you understand. Just minor things….. 

Words that don’t hurt right? 

No they take on a life of their own as they dance like demons in your head 

A year and a day after, a lifetime maybe 

He tries to convince you he’s melting but he’s like an iceberg with jagged edges 

They cut deep and will always cut 

Unless you walk away, don’t be fooled by tears or cajoling 

Find yourself wholer than you knew possible 

So complete you can be without fear 

In the sunlight you can watch as the drips of water equate to the ice 

You were forming around your heart. 

Breathe freedom.
Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

It only counts

If you don’t know him well and he makes you hurt
Then it counts
If you hold her after and tell her it’s okay because you love her
Then it doesn’t
If you buy her something pretty to make her smile
You are entitled
To do as you please and no arguments can be made
Is your justification
When she cried out for you to stop it was encouragement
A mere enticement
No a simple form of encouraging you to carry on
The assault doesn’t count
Because you tell her you love her in between events
And then you were shocked
Weeping and wailing to the world of your confusion
How badly she treated you
Crumbling like an old castle in public places
Silent calls,  or threats of harm
Chameleon you colours change as they suit
More afraid the truth will out
Thinking still of how it was just her being dramatic
It doesn’t count,  does it.
It does. It does.

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Skimming the surface

Reaching in she pulls the paddle over and under trying hard 

To remove the scum gently  

If only she can be gentle enough with more time or patience her inner voice says 

It will be just as it should 

Again she works to remove another cruddy layer in determined silence 

The other voice tells another story 

Walk away abandon it, save yourself it beats a stronger rhythm than before 

A clang awakes her from her reverie 

Nothing clings to the paddle at her side so she checks the waste bucket at her side 

Perplexed at its emptiness of anything solid  

Realising that all along the shift was something she thought she was doing 

But she skimmed the surface of an empty barrel 

What she tried to perfect , put right is nothingness and just how she wonders 

Could that ever be done? 
©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016 

The beautiful lies

In the bubble of pretence your smile shifts
Like a ever moving desert sand
Picture change to suit the current story of the day
Pick through the rubble that is your mind
Mask slipping
Rubber stamp on the opposite page
So you can slide back into the rhythm you never had
A dream which didn’t happen
Though if you wait long enough then it might
Drop through the door you watch
You say do nothing and it’ll all work out
Don’t push for your dreams
They’re meant to fade with the light of day
Be like everyone else who asks the question of how
They can change things then accept
Learn to live with the same as the hordes before them
Swallow the beautiful lies like nectar from the gods
It’s a slow dawning till you realise
That bitter taste,  yes that one!
Is the taste of your own dead dreams sucked into eternity
So far out of reach because you deceived yourself
Into thinking you had to follow where you were told
The lie is wrapped in colourful splendour
Don’t breathe it
It can turn you sour slowly curdling like cream left in the heat
Walk,  run, escape the cat calls
Telling you that nothing different can happen
Run towards your hearts whispered wishes
Far from beautifully crafted lies

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Understand no dreams

It’s a childish thing your expressions say
No words just a twist of the lip
Curled in distaste and what you assume is knowing
Your vision doesn’t want to go beyond the garden gate
So you make the outer prison walls pretty
But liveable
Any new experience of mine has you
wondering what if I have gone
Too far this time and I’m falling on my face
Making a grotesque clown of myself
With childish dreams that should be in a box hidden
From sight,  thought and deed
Hide you whisper,  close down your mind
Dreams are not for living
Only thinking
You will me to give it up before I begin
I never could stay in the boxes designated for me
And you tut tut silently shaking your head
As I start to build not a castle for long dead lives
But a home,  simple and without barriers
No fence to imprison me
Or pretty garden to disguise it’s true meaning
Just a place I am at peace and home.
There is no grander a wish for me
Than understanding a dream can be real.

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Ice in the blood

She’s lying there feigning sleep to escape
Another discussion
One sided as always but he terms it a fair exchange
Same old start strokes her back
And whispers words in her ear in tones of love
Chilling her bones to the marrow
I always wanted to kill someone just once see how it feels
Racing heart she tries to calm
Know you’re listening you went rigid (chuckles)
She feels sick as he tries to nuzzle her neck
Moving slowly out of grasp
Almost
Ice moving through her blood so cold at the thought
Of what is beneath the surface beside her
Is he made of ice,  stone or just a monster
Masquerading as man
She dreams fractured dreams of smashing ice to tiny shards
Not cutting herself
But he won’t harm his words won’t wound
Seeking only a reaction from a sleep fogged mind
Yet yesterday she heard him telling a man
She’s a force to be reckoned with
Supposing that nodding and doing all the right things for him are
Then she must be
Except that deeper person hidden away tells her
Be the person in his smudged brain
Or pretend and let the spirit of the strong one inhabit you
Until the real you can step forward
Go on it urges for survival
The decision is made to obtain freedom
Ice crystals cool her blood

Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016