Tag: poetry

Can’t hate you because I won’t let myself
Become taken over by bitterness
Refuse to allow you the headspace
You’d love
To take up
I can be angry that is bearable
It’s something I can breathe through
If I allow myself to hate you
I become the person you tried to make me
My freedom of thought is impaired
Because
I let it be
So you won’t feel the satisfaction of that emotion
That is what you always hoped for
You may have got many wishes granted
You may be Teflon coated so nothing sticks
When you put on the poor me act
Rub the lamp, genies grant wishes
This is the vengeful desire you seek
The wish won’t
materialise ever.
I’d say sorry for that, but I’m not
So I won’t lie,  like you do.

Ailsa

You did slowly, deliberately, over time
The drip effect
Water torture
Sudden onslaughts to knock me off balance
Never things said in ways I could say you meant to wound
You’d sweetly wait to drop those grenades
In your war
Word war
The moment of conversation closure brought
Something that made my mouth go dry
Why did I just smile?
Or try to sort out the problem you saw?
Like I’m just being kind you know
Your thighs are getting bigger, of course
I’m SURE it’s only me who sees
You’re not exactly
Unattractive
Just thought you’d rather know from me
And I’d feel nauseous and numb
Examine myself and stomach churning
Convince myself
I was a let down
Hearing about how I could always sort it
Another smile, reassuring me (?)
When I’d walk for miles to be “better ”
Then came questions
Who did I see, it was ONLY a loving comment
And you’d never say another word
But you always did
Never clever
Not pretty
I didn’t expect beautiful or bright
Enough for you
To accept me
It wasn’t warts and all else
Only the failure
The don’t match ups
Funny how the looking glass showed you
A perfect picture of some mythical being.

Ailsa

From my comfortable bed a noise disturbed me
Early morning
Sleepiness making me
Unsure if I heard, saw, felt anything
The shadow passes the door
Exaggerated
Slowness
Bolts me wide awake and senses alert
Face I don’t know peers in with a calming (he thinks!)
Sssshhhh
Like he’s lulling
a child
To sleep, so confident of his ability
I am jolted further as my mind tells me
He came
Downstairs
My child rests up there and I need to know
She is safe, unharmed from this.
I get up my blood boiling, heart pounds
Tribal beat in me
Protect, deflect
I yell like something unearthly, in language
I do not understand a word
OUT!!  LEAVE!!
While you can
Across the garden and to the fence give chase
Back inside the door you left open, ill you said (drunk)
Letting this person into the home
Two at a time
Stairs taken
I get into the room of my child
Where she lies awake,  safe, unharmed
I look into the room where you are now
And see you
Huddled, afraid
Didn’t even move till I told you it was safe.

Ailsa

You know how it goes the nice game
Don’t say that it isn’t what we do, not pleasant
Even when it’s true enough to make you sick
Of the verbal nicety games
And in my mind I stand there as I have a thousand times
Shredding you with my words
A tearful mess on the floor as the truth rips you apart
One day I will because it cannot stay contained
Forever
In a box,  tied prettily to keep in the mess
Maybe I won’t be the one who opens the box
And then you will be struck dumb
For
Once
As the shock of your own actions come home
I am not sure I can even feel pity for you
It is all your own doing, and you could have avoided it
At any
Time
You choose still your own desire for status
To be a
Someone
Who is not a someone you blind fool?
What are things when you are alone
Inside
Looking out
At what you could have had but threw away
Like something in the rubbish

Ailsa

I am not Alice,  I cannot shrink to fit
Or take the potion to grow to be someone I am not.
Admittedly, just for a while
It was something I tried, an experiment
To check if I was a good enough version
Of the me that would be preferable
The person who can be accepted
But I fell down the rabbit hole, through the cracks
Veneer chipped, glaze cracked
Aching from the tiredness a facade creates
Rested
Awoke
Anew
To the dawning, that the show couldn’t go on
Let the curtain come down and be damned!
Damned if I do,  damned if I don’t
Decision made and held
Consequences will be accepted, shock expected
As finally from the chrysalis of fear,
I fly
A moth who will be only free
She, the raw ingredients of a future
That she will define, whatever judgement may say.

Ailsa

Trailing behind you the gossamer threads, like a broken spider web
Telling yourself you’re the bride, so bright, girly and gay
You wander around slowly, twisty and turning
To see who is looking with youthful desire
Twirling, prancing bird on a wire.
In every direction see your head bobbing
As you acknowledge a crowd of…none
Grabbing sadly at any morsel of hope
Your stories spread quickly
Like a raging bushfire
Looking blankly from under the rouge and the kohl
Glimmers of gossip are waiting to roll
To pounce and to grab, twist and turn
Making your insides acid and burn
Creeping upon you in the dead of the night
Wandering off cackling she fades with the light.

Ailsa

Your dark eyed beauty shines before you
Like a beacon to the desolate,
Showing far and wide
You wear a mask of forced solemnity
Keeping away the masses
Unless you choose to take down your barriers
And allow them into your inner sanctum
Where a different you resides
The private you, who is fun loving, caring and wise
Always there for friends
Offering tea, humour, cake and an ear
A special friend, person
Who deserves accolades but wouldn’t accept them
Just shrugs like it’s nothing
But it means a lot.
❤

Ailsa

Your eyes are blinkered to the truth
Looking the five yards ahead you see the summer
There is no harm in this at all
But truth, trust and love go beyond,
Far beyond one season
If they are true.
You test the people who care till they fall
Exhausted in a heap
You stand over them, critical, cold.
In your head you foretold a reckoning day
Where they’d fail your expectations
Looking at the person you have sucked dry,
Like a vampire feeding on loyalty
You spit sourness in their face
Tell them that you have waited for this day
Open your eyes, remove the scales you placed
So tenderly and deliberately.
You planted the seeds, they have grown
You forced them on
They tried resistance but you insisted
One day you will leave me behind, not need me.
Today you feel the right to judge your own creation
The time has come to accept you got your hearts desire
You can reflect forever more
Was it worth it??

Ailsa

What is it, where is it, how can it be?
That you look at him in preference to me
What is it, where is it, how can you say
You don’t love me and you’ve called it a day
What is it, how is it,
Why does it matter?
That I once had your love but it’s now in tatters
Why do you look on me with disdain
I bought you flowers once, that’s surely a gain
I’ve taken all I could in every way
Trodden on feelings night and day
If you’ll just leave him, give me another chance
It’ll be fine if we just lead the same old dance
How can you say you no longer care?
Can’t you see MY life was always unfair?
So give me a chance, I promise I’ll bring
A new-old life with a much worse sting!!
Just tell me one thing, I’ll leave you alone
I’ll stay away from you, at least never phone
What is it, where is it how can it be
That you look at HIM in preference to Me??

Ailsa