Tag: life

Ice of ages

Your facade slides into place a smile suddenly on full beam
Just like the headlights of a car when the switch is flicked
So long have you held this persona in reserve it’s almost
Real
Too much longer and it will be all that is left
And you can carry on like the avoided iceberg
Because underneath it all is so great an amount of
Fear
Of not being a worthy person who matters
That you will seal your own fate by acting the part
Too long
You no longer know who it is that’s the real you
Frightened of who you might be If you’d be liked
Understood
So you keep the cold front from sheer terror
Watching you from the shaded warmth of anonymity
The woman of no consequence puzzles
Silent and aloud
As to your need for a facade, pity and anger mix
Gritting her teeth into an equally fake smile
Stops watching
As you have become of no matter to her
And you lose the game through her refusal to be
Forced to play any more

Ailsa
© AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Little Miss Roses (II)

You were oh so clever you thought all down the line
The line that kept twisting and turning
Desperation for more perfection and yelling it’s mine 
Till inside you only feel this fear and it’s burning.
Yes little miss roses, life’s never so perfect as you want it to be
While you hurt and you hunt down the carers for you 
Or you get offered two things but demand to have three 
Doesn’t matter if it’s right or if it’s true 
You built yourself a problem like children build snowmen
With the fun and determination to succeed 
You had one small blip on your landscape but counted ten,
And then you decided to add in your own special greed.
Did you look before you leapt into your latest fairytale and magic?
Or did you just think now the roses are planted you’re saved
That it can’t turn all human and nasty and tragic 
When you decide to make your peace with the heart you engraved 
Your name with leisurely careless pride 
You’re going to discover the hurtful truth
There is nothing left but emptiness rattling around inside.
Barricade your windows, your doors, hide from the hurt you caused
And when you sniff the scent of the roses you hastily planted
Then will be time to wonder should you have paused.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry2015

Game Plan

She answers deferring, vacant expression 
As they stand in a line to explain 
Shaking their heads in laughing session
That she made a mistake yet again.

Profuse apologies commence from her lips
Nervously laughing as she stumbles about
They join together, an armada of ships 
Like guns they barrel poison words out

Are you stupid woman, can you not see it?
It’s so clear to us you aren’t of this world 
You haven’t a clue not even a bit 
As one has a hand in fist curled

The day has come, she has suffered enough
This mousey woman for whom nobody cares
She has decided now it’s time to get tough 
Out of the room she’s climbing the stairs

Her husband walks in, yes she’s sick 
Tells him she can’t even walk out the door 
They’ve no idea about what makes her tick 
And her decision is to take their haranguing to take no more 

She cannot be bold and speak of the plan
So now she stays till they leave her in her bed 
Then away she will go from that place where they ban, 
Her thoughts and her dreams from out of her head

Yes we saw, and you denied it was not possible it was you 
All over the place, bag clutched firmly in your hand 
Your eyes beseeching do not insist this is true 
Or on all my hopes they will again stand.

So little woman, they convinced you you’re stupid and mad
Now they run around looking like an army of pesky ants 
Their appearances tired, know now what they had 
As their old perfect world takes on a tough new slant.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2015

Glacial fear

He taunts her in a crowd of friends and she smiles
Tells everyone who listens, and some who don’t
That she is cold, ignorant,  distant like ice or stone
Do they all see what he has to put up with?
He grins overdoing the sympathy swing
As her arms tighten over her midriff shielding
Trying to avoid the verbal slingshots by staying dead still
Like the hunted in the glare of hunter just before
When it’s end is in sight or it flies to safety
Why you ask doesn’t she move, do something? 
A fair question if you but only understand it
She is not always afraid of the aftershock
But the times she is less than successful in her deeds
Are the times she pays and heavily
Every move, thought of thought must be planned
Each word chosen with such precision
Still she doesn’t know if what was a fine peace move
For yesterday will again work or there’ll be questions
Repercussions
So she stands there quiet awaiting a queue
And it could so easily be the wrong decision
Don’t look through her like the unseen guest at a party
Speak but take care not for too long
Smile but be sure it’s not too often
See but be certain it’s not too closely
Now do you understand her dilemma?
Now do you see her glacial fear not knowing
If, when, how,  who changing rules
The mask is painted to give protection
Don’t ask her to remove it
It’s all she has left of herself.

Ailsa
© AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Emperors disaster

Standing there like the emperor who’s convinced he wears a beautiful cloak,

Your cloth is of your own making, not pretty in any form

Revulsion and sickness rise together , while you grin insanely, inanely 

Finding the jokes in your head funny

Except they’re not, you’re not

Grown up children are irritating, at least the ones who think they amuse 

My feelings are deadened 

The practicality takes over again

No it’s not the first time, not the last time I sigh

For once my head and heart speak together 

As I wash away the foul, false cloth

I tell myself it’s a covering, to remove it 

Or I’d surely hate you now

Head and heart whisper again, then shout 

What to do I ask myself?

Anger builds like a tidal wave wiping away any pity, feelings 

If I do not escape I will drown with you

Ailsa 

©Ailsa Cawley Poetry 2015

Some of us…

Some of us she said as her lecture began to take shape

We asked for nothing and never asked for  (tsk tsk) escape,

Now do you see, your life is designed to mirror well, me 

Why can’t you allow and just let things lie, let them be? 

Ignore them said the horrified girl, but why would I do such a thing

It can only resentment grow and hopelessness bring 

If I give out my honesty and expect in return, 

That all things will pass no hatred to churn 

Then isn’t that safer, healthier for him and for me 

To know our feelings show truth make us free? 

Her perplexity grows as the older woman in her face laughed 

Stupid girl that’s like listening for songs on a draught! 

I tell you ignore all that’s wrong and it will just go, disappear 

As the light in your eyes goes you stop having tears 

If there’s none to shed your heart cannot cry

Give up on dreams now ,let them fade and die 

So don’t think of solitude, time or breathing space 

This world won’t tolerate you thinking at that pace 

Years carried on the girl spoke to her own children clearly

My daughter hold onto your dreams and hold onto them dearly 

For if you give up on yourself you give permission to another 

To take your thoughts tightly in their hands and let them smother 

Maybe not intentionally but don’t with yourself be mean 

If you do it is a yardstick for all to clearly see.
Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2015

Where have we gone?

When we look first at a man’s religion to decide if he matters
When the colour of his skin arouses suspicion or hate
Where have we gone?
When will we open our eyes and see how we can accept
When will we learn every difference doesn’t mean reject
Where have we gone?
Straying down paths fuelled by bile and hate
Chasing down pathways someone lesser to bait
Where have we gone?
This human decency we all swear to our gods that we have
That we’ll care for the next man if he’s proven to be without a life too grave
Where have we gone?
That we alienate all because who knows if
They will be that person who will help us be human and live
When will we come back and see
It’s time to move forward world as a unified we.
Ailsa

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2015

Friendly warning

You tell me you are unequivocally sorry for angering me
As you do something to prove the words wrong
Don’t do it just learn
If you must have petty stories floating on summer air
I can see straight through you
Trying to put forward control like a dainty thing
Followed by blazing aggression
When I refuse to roll over,  cave in,  get on board
I may be quiet and seem malleable
I’m not
Just keeping back my words that could shred you
Like the sharpest knives if I want to
But there’s no point in causing further distress
To anyone I care for
Better to lift the shield higher with the hurting behind me
As long as I can
Know that if you overstep the mark, that one in the sand
I will come for you and your sly smile won’t work
Your quiet surprise then vocal vitriol can spew forth
I am immune to you, your words
You have no idea what to expect from me

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Seeing your face

I see you in my dreams and wake with you gone
Feel your breath close by my face
Hear phrases you utter unexpectedly
So much so that I look for you
Sometimes
Convinced I will see you
Though I don’t
Whirling round as you were there at the corners of my vision
But never quick enough never damned quick enough
To catch you properly
Before
You scooted away again like a child playing hide and seek
One day
I’ll be faster or you’ll be slower
And it won’t just be in my dreams but you’ll be
There
Close enough to touch
And I will be seeing your face
One day.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Within

Shhhh you whispered in my ear stop looking
You cannot see me in other places always
Quiet yourself and be still
Now your voice smiles in my head
Can you not feel me when you do not search so desperately?
I am there in every fibre of your being
Existing because you don’t wish to forget me
Stop your search dear one I am where I always was
And will remain within whenever you have need of me
Look no more unless it is within
Speak and I shall hear your voice and answer
In a way you understand within

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015