We talk without the words sometimes,
Squeeze of hand or shoulder
Looking at one another, then smiling
Gentle recognition
Now we’re talking and you say things
Check no-one is around to hear
As you curse the ones you know don’t think
At all mostly
Ask if I mind these curse words, I don’t
Of course you’re aware already, just checking
Your chuckle tells me that
I wonder where all this has come from
Do you just need a sounding board?
Someone who won’t tell you
You can’t say, mustn’t think, shouldn’t feel that!!
Just the canvas on which to paint
That picture swirling in your mind
Because it torments you so
Stopping your colourful imagery for a moment
To check if I’m okay with the canvas
And how you fill it
With happiness, sadness, expletives
Observing that it’s just as it should be, you carry on
A squeeze of the hand,
Looking to see who’s listening
Though frankly you have no care
Let them listen, all of them
Your anger has returned again
The painter was told how his canvas should be
He isn’t exactly sure what to do
His fuse has been lit, gunning for you!
Looking, he says what the hell do I do?
Tells me his wishes, needs my support
Calm again now
I’ve said do what YOU want, I’ll fight them all
That’s settled it now, no holding back
Be wary of crossing that sweet looking old man



She appears full of knowledge
Exactly like her friends, oozing confidence
Tap at the surface gently
The marshmallow centre spills forth
Along with the anxieties,
Doubts about being enough to all
Who might expect anything from her
Her eyes cloud uncertainty
Has raised its ugly head, pulling her
This way and that
A massive tug of war takes place
Inside and out, written on her face
So boldly as if in permanent ink
Temporarily we can erase it
Though it is only hidden by a mask
None can see past
She tells herself this daily
One day when she’s grown and learned
To be the person she is inside
The mask will be discarded
Maybe forgotten
Left to disintegrate like old things do
Then she will understand that to be
Is all she can be, all she needs to be
I stand idly by, observing the maelstrom within
Having travelled that journey and can do
Except wait and watch



You were not meant to be I’m told
Why? Why you?
Did I not want you enough
Or would I have not loved, cared for, nourished you?
I would have gone to the end of the earth
In my mind’s eye I see you
Like a shadow at the corner of my vision
Catching the sun in your hair
Waiting to be seen
But I can never turn speedily enough
To see you before you are gone,
I would have been there forever
But you can only watch from that place
That shadow land
I am not destined to touch your face
Not in this life



Twisting the truth to suit
Till you believe your own stories
A faery tale where you are the central character
The star, figure of pity, victim
Which one is it to be today?
Or is your script becoming confused
So you don’t understand your own part any more?
Do you know the truth behind the fallacy
Or have you pedalled such a filthy stream
That only now exists
Any reality lost in the curtains
You have drawn over the parts you don’t like
Decided they didn’t fit the pictures of perfection
You try to pass off as truth
Look closely at your new painting
It may look clean and bright
From a distance
Step in and observe properly
There are dirty smears and the paint
Has cracked.


Learning to sing

When you walked in, sweeping every surface
Looking for dust,  dirt, anything out of place
My heart was beating so I could hear
It’s tattoo in my ears
If you’d spoken would I have heard?
I was so eager to make your world perfect
The whole place your choice and I didn’t mind
Not at first
Till you started trying to make me into a clone
Not too obvious at first
Seemed encouraging
A different style of dress, or top
Nagging doubts that you were dressing a mannequin
Moulding me from clay into a doll
Of your own vision
But I never did manage to look right
Because I couldn’t transform into the real deal
Pushing the deadness away as I crumble inside
Outside smile pasted on, and make up
All to your satisfaction sort of
Then I started singing songs
Of freedom and escape, realised I meant them
Pinpoint the day I knew it’d never last?
The day you told me if only my eyes were green
Not blue
And couldn’t I just wear contacts
To make me ok, though I’d never be as beautiful
Not as she was, can’t pass perfect
And my aim should be her
Black haired, green eyes and be a carbon copy
You couldn’t see any wrong in your words
And chucked me under the chin
Your pet project
Till I figured what to do with myself
I could only feel cold, hard anger
Instead of howling my fury at the moon
As she watched me knowingly
I sang out my bitterness to her
Swallowed silent tears
Songs of escape and freedom abounded
Her soothing light told me that I was good to go
I would survive
She was right, not easily but I did


Liars truth

So many untruths told
When confronted they were always the same
Little white lies, hurting no-one
Not the dirty great clouds covering,
Darkening any future skies
You’d saunter off, lazily, nonchalant
How could you be caught out?
You named yourself machiavelli
So clever, confident of your own tales
Spun like a spiders web
Above and around me
Resembling a cocoon to hide from reality
None in, nor out
I knew something was amiss, pushed aside the fear, paranoia
Till I called your hotel phone
Not a wrong number she tinkled like glass
Your husband’s in the shower, we’re having fun
Sarcasm dripped with her didn’t you guess?
More tinkling laughter
Phone goes down as she hears me shatter to pieces
You denied it of course, with scorn
She was joking, (she wasn’t)
She apologized long after for her cruelty
Not for doing it, just telling me
You never did, too busy showing the world
How clever you are.

return journey

I had to just disappear a while
Was lost and forgot
Who I was, what I wanted
Started to say yes to everyone who
Suggested I be
Their mental version of me

I don’t know why
So I withdrew and hid away
Hanging around like a bat in a cave
Coming out in dusky times
Feeling tired, overwhelmed with all
the suggestions
Who they all saw, had me in mind to be

I almost blindly followed the leader
Then realised I couldn’t
Just accept
A version of myself, a parallel copy
The original fought back, sailing back
Too long a trip tossed on that boat
I have navigated back
To the shores I want
No, need

My trip was long, fearsome
The discovery of a new Land
Where the terrain is firm
But yields and changes
As I choose
Not for any gain other than the original
Of me is free and clear
Expectations may or may not be met
But now I am true to myself

That journey took me many places
I have returned, refreshed and my sapped strength
Is building slowly
I am once again whole in spirit
And for that I rejoice


That point

When it’s that moment of the straw
That broke the camel
Not just it’s back
Tired of being the reasonable one
Who says it doesn’t matter
Says one day I won’t have to see you
When there is no need for contact
No niceness
Problem with this is
Today my reserves of nice
Ran dry, like a tank of fuel slowly
Seeping away
And I am the engine
Who has grumbled loudly, angrily
To a shuddering stop.
No mechanic can fix this one
Nor do I want them to
The end of the reasonable line is a very
Odd place
Like a new being brought into existence
And there’s no going back
Only ahead on a different route
A road I was told I’d find one day
Took so long coming
It seemed like a myth or fable
It has hardened part of me forever
I didn’t want to feel that way
Maybe it’s just necessary to ensure
My own survival


Some days – dedicated to my dad

Some days I look for you, searching in the crowd
Tell myself to stop it, but eyes keep looking round
Just in case there was a mistake
Just in case you’re there
Wondering why I don’t talk so much
Thinking I might not care

Some days I talk and tell you things
Nothing special, all every day events
Or tell you, yep you told me that, you’re
right again
And I chuckle at a thought we’d shared, another dragon slain

I want so much to hold you and tell you to your face
That I miss you, your laugh, humour and your grace
Some days I sail through calm waters
Others I navigate with relative ease

Every day I love you, miss you
Wish I could have you here
I know that this is selfish too
Pain I couldn’t wish you to bear

I have to tell you again I love you
And miss you, truly always will.



Daily, enough is the byword
Make up, not wearing enough
Can’t do that job, not good enough
Don’t say what you think
People won’t like it!
Every move has to be right to fit in
Nothing can pass constantly changing criteria
Always scrutiny, never spontaneity
Has to be considered to the nth degree
Till that day comes, that fateful day
In the growing world of enough
Finally a point is reached
Next enough is considered
Deliberated,  decided

Had enough.


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