Learning to sing

When you walked in, sweeping every surface
Looking for dust,  dirt, anything out of place
My heart was beating so I could hear
It’s tattoo in my ears
If you’d spoken would I have heard?
I was so eager to make your world perfect
The whole place your choice and I didn’t mind
Not at first
Till you started trying to make me into a clone
Not too obvious at first
Seemed encouraging
A different style of dress, or top
Nagging doubts that you were dressing a mannequin
Moulding me from clay into a doll
Of your own vision
But I never did manage to look right
Because I couldn’t transform into the real deal
Pushing the deadness away as I crumble inside
Outside smile pasted on, and make up
All to your satisfaction sort of
Then I started singing songs
Of freedom and escape, realised I meant them
Pinpoint the day I knew it’d never last?
The day you told me if only my eyes were green
Not blue
And couldn’t I just wear contacts
To make me ok, though I’d never be as beautiful
Not as she was, can’t pass perfect
And my aim should be her
Black haired, green eyes and be a carbon copy
You couldn’t see any wrong in your words
And chucked me under the chin
Your pet project
Till I figured what to do with myself
I could only feel cold, hard anger
Instead of howling my fury at the moon
As she watched me knowingly
I sang out my bitterness to her
Swallowed silent tears
Songs of escape and freedom abounded
Her soothing light told me that I was good to go
I would survive
She was right, not easily but I did

Ailsa

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