Category: feelings

An outward look in

She watches and finds the anger that festered yesterday 

Has blurred to a haze and knows 

People look at her thinking she’s trusting, stupid even 

For letting things go and drift away on the tides 

Out with the waves leaving a memory as water on sand 

Impressions not to be forgotten 

They nod, smile and shake their heads at her allowance 

Of the bad things but don’t tear the perpetrators apart 

She lets it lie for her sake, for peace 

Or their wishes would come true 

And the only person torn apart would be herself 

Eaten up by hatred which she cannot hold onto 

Her freedom is knowing she can walk away 

They are trapped not she and she smiles 
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016 

Filled 

You try so hard too hard to make me hate you

And I can’t because you see nothing is 

Worth the sense I once had 

Like battery acid churning eating my flesh 

Hot in my veins instead of blood 

I am angry at the things you discard 

Careless, callous 

Without thought that this time you might lose forever 

Something unique which others crave 

Like the drowning man desires air 

Still I don’t hate for the veneer has set 

And life tells me you had your chances only they 

Were never enough 

Nothing ever is for you and that was the lesson 

Some never get past the hatred to say it 

But you are how you are 

I can see you chewed up inside and filled with it 

Filled with the hate that will consume you 

But you think is a life force 
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Freedom 

This place to go that place to see 

For many a year asked what she wants to be 

Never an answer for it brought raised brows 

Live in real life, remember now 

So she stopped answering and buried the dreams 

Under the rocks at the bottom of the stream 

One day a person who understood everything 

Said dig up the fear and let yourself sing 

The language, song, rhythm, cadence 

Only to you have to make sense 

She waited and thought of how this could be 

I can’t do this reckless thing only for me 

So she started in secret writing scraps of her heart 

And hiding them carefully because they’re not art 

What it took her a while to accept 

Was to give herself freedom from the prison she kept 
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Cup of healing poison 

Sip by sip from the poisoned chalice she takes the dreaded drink 

Knowing what it does but unable to stop 

It’s like a fire burning out of control and this is kill or be killed 

So she’s chosen to take chances with slow pain 

Something tells her whispering in her ear that’s the only chance 

Her hand quavers slightly as her smile shines 

No one shall see and she is ready to crawl away hiding as it attacks 

The fire is intense, powerful and consuming 

As she decides to take the last of it at a glug knowing 

Her last breath could come after this swallow 

She lays down to sleep like the dead, be the dead ready now 

And as she feels herself drifting 

Watching herself from afar her acceptance is final 

Her motto it is what it is ringing in her ears 

Sees a tiny shrivelled part 

Not a heart for she feels it beat louder and stronger than ever 

To herself she advances picking up the knotted cord 

As it collapses to dust on her fingers 

The girl on the floor awakes and walks into her shadow as she hears 

Welcome back welcome back lost one  

But it tasted so bitter and it was poisoned she thinks 

The voice replies this was your restorative like a cleansing pool

It was to wash you free of hurt 

You have to feel to remove hurt and it is now dust 

A fresh beginning is yours to take 

Be as a Phoenix and rise strong but gentle as the healing waters 

The past is gone, it is but dust. 
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry 2016

Disappearing from view

I may be disappearing from view for a while I wanted you to know 

But pause now and then on the path you take 

You’ll find me there at your side a chance to help you grow 

No reason to falter, quiver or quake 

Imagine the veil drawn over the bride 

Concern yourself only the words I’ve said 

It’s like I have chosen only to hide 

Not forever but so your heart and head 

Can get into rhythm then the pain will slow 

There are days you will ache just for one sighting 

Mostly you’ll think of me smiling and know 

The veil has been lifted just a trick of the lighting ? 

Feel me close, speak as you would 

Not with ears but listen so closely 

You will know I am there just as I said I would 

Only sometimes to fade like my best summer rose 
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawley2016 

Actors dilemma 

The actor shifts a little to the left off stage an audience 
No longer a player 

Her part dictates participation in this farcical charade 

Which is more tragedy than drama 

Leaving her feeling a drained shell of a being a duality 

Now so wearying that in hiding all she exposes more than ever she would have 

So many buried things writhe to the top 

Her body never rests with the twitching of the otherlings she feels 

As they shift to the surface and faces with razor mouths bite 

Pulling from her core the hidden things 

Feelings unfelt, words unsaid, tears unshed pushed deep 

She almost hates herself for allowing and denying the words that spill 

But they purge as they make her feel vile and vicious 

For voicing truths hidden in boxes 

The stories hidden in filthy boxes at the back of the mind attic 

Locked and chained until now 

A time she knew would come but could not ready herself for 

The words float on the wind

Musical notes alive with deep meaning and pockets of dirty air 

The creatures wriggle giggling with joy at what they want to release 

She fights them clamping some things inside 

Determined they will waste away in their boxes and harm no more 

Wanting to strike out at the silent aggressor on the stage 

She knows given time she can be victorious 

If these things would stop biting to the surface demanding 

To be told now 

Heaving them aside she moves on to do mindless things 

Knowing one day these demons will out.
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

There

I am there and feel such peace my body cannot stay rigid 

Like bones removed I flop around as mind floats wild 

Time it seems to stop there 

Oh I love such enduring harmony 

As I’m quietly assaulted by every possibility 

Make sense of what has been before 

See that which is to come 

Bring heart , soul, mind and world and call myself back home 
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

The door is always bolted

I allow her to go out sometimes he stated nonchalantly 

Because I’m a magnanimous sort 

They have to be allowed out occasionally to keep them happy 

I let her breathe sometimes 

Though not too often as that’s not good for everyone 

She asks nicely if I mind knows her place 

Me? Well I do as I please like I should isn’t it obvious 

Unless I say the door is always bolted 

You see if the key were in sight she’d only get curious 

As to what else is out there 

Ideas might start occurring to her that aren’t any help to me 

Best to allow a taste of freedom 

She can’t see she’s my prisoner at all my friend 

Tie the rope loosely like you do a dog 

He shrugs, grins, and wags a finger to his listener 

Mark my words you’ll rue the day 

You decided to leave off the bolt, chain and let her be free 

Because I know from experience a locked door 

Is always what has to be slid gradually into place. 

The door keep it bolted friend while keeping your smile on your face. 

Swaggers away so sure he’s so learned, clever, wise 

Confusion on his face when his friend asks what’s the fear in your eyes ?

You mix me up with someone else he retorts 

She knows her place dammit!! 

Unknown to him I saw him in the street 

No ogre of massive proportions he 

And I wondered who really let who out after all 

You almost wavered in a stiff breeze 

Couldn’t catch an eye and fear on a person speaking 

Maybe my disgust and anger were directed at 

A bit part player and echoed too closely for me 

Stopped by shadows of then imposing on the world of now.
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Your face of desire 

Watching me closely a monitor of the hatred 

You imagine I must hold 

That’s your driving emotion deep in the dark part of you 

Once I held pity like a prisoner 

Understanding as a lamp or beacon 

Now, now I have 

Nothing 

Just a space where once I dragged excuses from 

To say why you did or didn’t and gave silent approval 

For your lack of care to carry on 

Unreasonable unchecked 

Never did you fear a rebuke or worse 

Like a child seeking attention by default 

You try to goad an angry reaction from empty canals 

Nothing flows any more in the land of yesterday 

The fear you instilled to pick at her confidence is gone 

Melted as ice in the sun 

She has no energy to give you and now as the child you remain 

Your ploys for something to feed your self esteem 

Are ignored by her ears 

Forever deaf to the need to be first, last, centre 

As flotsam you float away 

Ignored 
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016

Your face of desire 

Watching me closely a monitor of the hatred 

You imagine I must hold 

That’s your driving emotion deep in the dark part of you 

Once I held pity like a prisoner 

Understanding as a lamp or beacon 

Now, now I have 

Nothing 

Just a space where once I dragged excuses from 

To say why you did or didn’t and gave silent approval 

For your lack of care to carry on 

Unreasonable unchecked 

Never did you fear a rebuke or worse 

Like a child seeking attention by default 

You try to goad an angry reaction from empty canals 

Nothing flows any more in the land of yesterday 

The fear you instilled to pick at her confidence is gone 

Melted as ice in the sun 

She has no energy to give you and now as the child you remain 

Your ploys for something to feed your self esteem 

Are ignored by her ears 

Forever deaf to the need to be first, last, centre 

As flotsam you float away 

Ignored 
Ailsa 

©AilsaCawleyPoetry2016