Lone Wolf

For a lovely lady today with love

ailsacawley

As you howl at the moon in unbridled despair
Don’t forget that promise I made
For the time you walk this starlit earth
Woods, glades and trees
I shall be forever there
You may not see or feel my touch
For I inhabit another realm
The veil between us is so thin
That I am but a whisper breath away
Call me as you need me please
Like you always would before
I am merely in a form upon a distant shore
So talk to me often, tell me your dreams
And any new plans
These things I need to know
It wasn’t a choice to stay or to go my dear
But I am always close to hand.
When you howl I howl with you, my grief is raw too
We in time will get beyond this state
But give yourself time it’s ok to wait
Take your own…

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Moving on day

So different to any other this moving on day
As I climbed up, packed up,  tried to feel something.
I was expecting tears, fear, sadness
They never showed up at all
I was just expectant of a different life
But no idea what it would hold
Flooded with light and hope for new times
The pretty balloons went off in my head.
Like all balloons one or two burst before time
Others hovered, floating higher as the wrong dreams burst
Only I didn’t catch their slowly moving ascents
Until the many useless balloons (dreams)
Banged with a pop
Flattening me a moment
One day I looked around the sea of balloon sky
To find left a mere handful left
Others all long gone
Leaving only the ones holding hope
Beautiful golden orbs of gold
If you look you might see them too.
So many hopes floating in a sky of blue
It’s a moving on day
If you want it to be look up!

Ailsa

Tauro

Her head nods, silent acquiescence, resigned
To the newness thrust upon her
She knows she cannot accept forever.
Till she can gather her pain and rage
So they will fall like burning raindrops of anger
She will store them safely inside.
The right moment will arrive and Tauro’s storm
Shall break forth from her depths.
The horns grow daily and they will gore the unsuspecting
One who thinks they are immune, invincible
And on a high ground above all others
Her daily forcing away is pushing forth, won’t stay down forever
When she stampedes you will be sorry
The truth will break, hurt and shock you to the core
As your imagined pedestal crumbles to the ground
And all that is left is yourself in the shallows
Where you built your castle of sand.

Ailsa

Do you see me?

As the stranger turned and asked her name
How she feels about the latest craze
She can only nod and smile, or shake her head
Her brain screaming “do you see me? ”
Really!!
I have been here invisible in freezing chains
Stood here unnoticed, time and again.
Nobody looking for fear of my mind
Afraid to talk about truths that I find.
Again I ask are you sure
“do you see me? ”
I know what to say and what to leave out
Taught when to smile and never to shout
I’m trying hard to blend like a colour palette
He told me don’t gamble, I’m not a good bet!
So I ask you again, of whom you see last time, give you chance to flee
Are you clearer than crystal all the way through
And you really don’t want a reflection of you?

Ailsa

That day

What happened that day I asked myself?
What was going through my inner thoughts
To just allow me to follow without question
A lead towards happiness, future.
ME?
It was always told to me it could happen
But I just didn’t fit the happy pattern
You know the one
Sweet little pretty wife, with dozens of friends
The always painted face and hidden tears
Perfect home and wonderful garden, darling
The life on a constant treadmill and rota,
Moving so fast I’m dizzy.
Oh I tried so hard and so long
Drifting in my head when I could to somewhere
I didn’t have to reach for beyond the stars
And I gave up, stopped looking.
Then I looked again and painted my own perfect
Not the expected delivery of it.
My perfect.
No rosy pink and flowers round the door
Exaggerated plans to please anyone
In my own colours,
Carved from the tree, painted purple and shining
Some light areas.
Perfect my perfect, not yours maybe
But now I know something
There are so many variations on perfect.

Ailsa

Awakening

Nudging me all night with questions
If this is sorted, 
Will it pass muster (do)
If I don’t walk in telling you I love someone else
But I say that it’s you I settled for
And my words are coated in honey wine
Will you notice as I dig in the blade?
And watch as you shrink and shrivel
Like a dried out prune, a burst balloon
All your confidence and respect gone once again
I will only play a game I want to play
Say I love you for now
It looks like the dice are loaded in my favour
But really they aren’t
It’s hard being me you know!!
So as your questions and queries thicken
And it’s like being in a dark forest with trees that are moving,
Twisting and turning up round my throat
Your final question
Designed to wound
Backfires as you never thought it would
Will we get through this and stay together?
No, and I think we never should!
Leave tomorrow I can take no more
I’ve been here before
And I tell you freely
I got through then battered and bleeding
But I haven’t yet died
May be torn, twisted and bruised
But it taught me I don’t need to be used

Ailsa

Bemused at your fingertips (part 1)

The man abuses his wife as the scene unfolds
His stinging words speaking of hands that will too….later
When the onlookers have dispersed.
He pulls on a fake grin, like an old holey jumper
His grinding teeth give his irritation away
She tried to look like she knew what was going on
So the iron fist clothed for now in velvet struck
Her face flames as she is reprimanded
Like an unsuspecting child who sees only the obvious
He’ll point it out painfully later as always
Bemused at your fingertips
As you tell her it’s for her own good
Convinced that she did it all wrong AGAIN
She berates herself with a few choice words
And explaining the bruises as another door
Or window, or floor
Nobody asks her,  nor gives a care
She’ll never say anything, just as before
Till the day she decides to jump ship for shore.
A long sail it’s been and soon it will end
Too late for his sorry tongue to amend.

Ailsa