As she walked

She breathed in deep her senses alive
As she wandered in heather and gorse
The brooding volcanic hills
Overhead
Commanding
Come near, nearer still till we touch you
Take over your core, nestle within
So your very existence is dependent
On breathing us in
Feeling our hearts beat in you
Passing the trust for this beautiful land
Rugged,  dark and beseeching,
Wild, windswept all of these things
But bringing you mostly
To realise one thing
You’re returning home to yourself

Ailsa

Caught out

However much I try to give a pointer
Just a roadsign to the inner workings
You look above
Beyond and away
If I speak about the North you turn your back
So you look South and cannot hear my voice
Ignore the message till I stop gazing at you in wonder
And the emotions turn to anger or resentment
Then ask but why?
Do I not give everything
You have a boredom level so low nothing can matter
Never is your heart touched by anything
Too securely chained, locked down for surety
That it can’t be caught, deliberately elusive
And as the players in the game walk away
Or perhaps run
Swiftly towards living
You stand still with your back to the voice
Until it disappears into the middle distance
Only a faint echo remains
To remind of what was there.

Ailsa

And the beauty

It speaks to me that beauty of the hills
Biting at the corners of my mind
eating into my soul and burying itself
So deeply down
It cannot leave
Flowing through my blood swirling
I don’t want it to leave me alone
Now I have found it’s deep bite
Such sweetness
Filling my heart
I am finally filled with peace and tranquility
Whole and complete with a deep need
To have this completeness always
Fill me from
The inside out
I have all I desire and want
Beautiful storm drenched skies above
Call to me to watch them properly
With the awe of a newborn child
Drink them in
Yet never learn
Everything that there can be done
Learn the beauty of the hills I love
Their changing moods far and wide
Changing their faces
Never the depths
Always speaking to me with soothing tones
Through the wind and rain their calm undertones prevail
And I am once more
Just as before
A complete being able to find solace

Ailsa

Nothing changes

You want to show the world how different you are
How you dealt with pain and covered scars
But deep down inside where you have to be true
Your the same old honest to goodness you
Well less honest if we’re speaking plain
More of the same old rubbish once again
Of how can I manoeuvre the situation now
Just a counter move, cross fire for power
To gain the upper hand and say look what I’ve done
All of it delivered an elaborate con
Poor little me and hang dog expression
You lost in the race so full of aggression
Too late now the crowd has seen through
And now your own bullets are firing at you!

Ailsa

With me

I take you with me through the days
It’s important I feel your presence
Not there in a physical body or being
But around me,  tucked away inside
Or on display my badge of honour
My pride and joy
My staunch supporter
I can feel you like you stand at my shoulder
And speak through the lips of another
Who uses your words
To speak directly to me
Give me comfort in the darker days
Joy on the lighter manageable ones
I have not lost you in totality I feel
My intuition and instinct speak to my soul
Telling me you are there surrounding me
With your shield of love
Covering me with your sword of sweet hope
I take you home with me now
Singing with sweet dreams in my heart
You shall never be lost to me
I cannot see you at all
That sense is not necessary now
My heart feels you with me
As you always said you’d be.

Ailsa

Storms – for a friend

My head it is surging with the storms I contain
I cry when you sleep to hide from my pain
You awake and I smile, or take flight
Used to being strong I can’t show my plight
Wracked with guilt for the wrongs I perceive
And looking around me,  then do I grieve
You are the anchor that helps me to shore
The one who my being it’s centre is core
In trying to trace my backward steps again
I find it never erases the tumult and pain
But I do keep trying I know where I fail
And one day I might just allow myself to prevail 

Ailsa

Lessons never learned

I watch as you repeat everything again
Same as always
Never changing
The pattern is always identical to last time
Because it’s only your fault for a moment
Then you relax
Slide into old habits
Change isn’t really necessary just charm
Of the little boy kind to get out of trouble
It wears thin
Veneer cracked, chipping
At the end you never understand why it’s happened
How did it manage to go wrong again?
Not me you say
I do everything I can

Only to get your own way and twist away
From blame for wrongs committed
Always self defense
Never first offence
Following a pattern placed on the path
Too blind to even notice the rocks you walk
There’s a way round
Stepping stones through
But your blinkered view doesn’t allow
For anything other than the route you follow

Ailsa

Light bringer

Small interactions on a regular basis
Words that to nobody else mean a thing
To my wide open heart
My intuition and soul
I feel the ping as the arrows of kindness
Strike their mark, deeply burrowing
So far they ooze their healing balms
Warming the spots I thought had been withered
But have been suspended in a cocoon
Suspended by silken silver thread
Slowly they are changing
Not to return as they were, but changed
As I can see you more often
In the words of my angel
The one who is come to help me heal
As much as I ever will
Bringer of light my gratitude to you, for you
Is beyond measure

Ailsa

I feel so

So much, so many feelings running
Racing around on this merry go round
You know the one subtitled life
Filled with love, grief, pain, humour and strife.
You don’t like this bit,  that bit?
It’s a bundle all tangled in knots tightly bound
Some days the fear grabs and I hit the ground
Next moment I’m high, jumping or dancing
I look around with fear and mistrust
Knowing only some people will be able
To listen to my inner voices and just
Accept me as the person I am
I know who that is
For good or for bad
Have you looked to the depths of your soul?
Seen as far as your darkness will go
Have you acknowledged your own personal light?
Given yourself credit,  but not quit the fight
If you can seen inside to the being you are
You are of a rare breed
Most can’t venture that far
Don’t worry if words are not easy to say
In the grand scheme it’s actions that make
The best things become better
For others can tell if words are just letters
And have meaning behind

Ailsa