Charlotte

You were not meant to be I’m told
Why? Why you?
Did I not want you enough
Or would I have not loved, cared for, nourished you?
I would have gone to the end of the earth
In my mind’s eye I see you
Like a shadow at the corner of my vision
Catching the sun in your hair
Waiting to be seen
But I can never turn speedily enough
To see you before you are gone,
Again
I would have been there forever
But you can only watch from that place
That shadow land
I am not destined to touch your face
Not in this life

Ailsa

Twister

Twisting the truth to suit
Till you believe your own stories
A faery tale where you are the central character
The star, figure of pity, victim
Which one is it to be today?
Or is your script becoming confused
So you don’t understand your own part any more?
Do you know the truth behind the fallacy
Or have you pedalled such a filthy stream
That only now exists
Any reality lost in the curtains
You have drawn over the parts you don’t like
Decided they didn’t fit the pictures of perfection
You try to pass off as truth
Look closely at your new painting
It may look clean and bright
From a distance
Step in and observe properly
There are dirty smears and the paint
Has cracked.

Ailsa

return journey

I had to just disappear a while
Was lost and forgot
Who I was, what I wanted
Started to say yes to everyone who
Suggested I be
Their mental version of me

I don’t know why
So I withdrew and hid away
Hanging around like a bat in a cave
Coming out in dusky times
Feeling tired, overwhelmed with all
the suggestions
Who they all saw, had me in mind to be

I almost blindly followed the leader
Then realised I couldn’t
Just accept
A version of myself, a parallel copy
The original fought back, sailing back
Too long a trip tossed on that boat
I have navigated back
To the shores I want
No, need

My trip was long, fearsome
The discovery of a new Land
Where the terrain is firm
But yields and changes
As I choose
Not for any gain other than the original
Of me is free and clear
Expectations may or may not be met
But now I am true to myself

That journey took me many places
I have returned, refreshed and my sapped strength
Is building slowly
I am once again whole in spirit
And for that I rejoice

Ailsa

That point

When it’s that moment of the straw
That broke the camel
Not just it’s back
Tired of being the reasonable one
Who says it doesn’t matter
Says one day I won’t have to see you
When there is no need for contact
No niceness
Problem with this is
Today my reserves of nice
Ran dry, like a tank of fuel slowly
Seeping away
And I am the engine
Who has grumbled loudly, angrily
To a shuddering stop.
No mechanic can fix this one
Nor do I want them to
The end of the reasonable line is a very
Odd place
Like a new being brought into existence
And there’s no going back
Only ahead on a different route
A road I was told I’d find one day
Took so long coming
It seemed like a myth or fable
It has hardened part of me forever
I didn’t want to feel that way
Maybe it’s just necessary to ensure
My own survival

Ailsa

Some days – dedicated to my dad

Some days I look for you, searching in the crowd
Tell myself to stop it, but eyes keep looking round
Just in case there was a mistake
Just in case you’re there
Wondering why I don’t talk so much
Thinking I might not care

Some days I talk and tell you things
Nothing special, all every day events
Or tell you, yep you told me that, you’re
right again
And I chuckle at a thought we’d shared, another dragon slain

I want so much to hold you and tell you to your face
That I miss you, your laugh, humour and your grace
Some days I sail through calm waters
Others I navigate with relative ease

Every day I love you, miss you
Wish I could have you here
I know that this is selfish too
Pain I couldn’t wish you to bear

I have to tell you again I love you
And miss you, truly always will.

Ailsa

Enough

Daily, enough is the byword
Make up, not wearing enough
Can’t do that job, not good enough
Don’t say what you think
People won’t like it!
Every move has to be right to fit in
Nothing can pass constantly changing criteria
Always scrutiny, never spontaneity
Has to be considered to the nth degree
Till that day comes, that fateful day
In the growing world of enough
Finally a point is reached
Next enough is considered
Deliberated,  decided

Had enough.

Ailsa

Elven One

Petite, fragile with elven eyes
She’ll keep her counsel, maybe, sometimes
Dark eyed solitude, deepest depths
Though light from within her shines
With piercing brilliance
She remains unaware, unsure of her own abilities
Quiet acceptance turns to manic happiness
Sometimes in the blink of an eye
Mistaken for a fearful thoughtless one
Whatever you do, never make that mistake
Her tongue can become sharp, fangs appear
The creature of the night has no fear
She’ll fight for others more than herself
Coming after you with knife like hands
You dared to cross her beloved ones
Sunlight smoothing over the cracks
Like a generous, viscous liquid balm
Warming her heart, she’s forgotten the betrayal
At least on the surface, anyway

Ailsa