You know how it goes the nice game
Don’t say that it isn’t what we do, not pleasant
Even when it’s true enough to make you sick
Of the verbal nicety games
And in my mind I stand there as I have a thousand times
Shredding you with my words
A tearful mess on the floor as the truth rips you apart
One day I will because it cannot stay contained
In a box, tied prettily to keep in the mess
Maybe I won’t be the one who opens the box
And then you will be struck dumb
As the shock of your own actions come home
I am not sure I can even feel pity for you
It is all your own doing, and you could have avoided it
You choose still your own desire for status
To be a
Who is not a someone you blind fool?
What are things when you are alone
At what you could have had but threw away
Like something in the rubbish
I am not Alice, I cannot shrink to fit
Or take the potion to grow to be someone I am not.
Admittedly, just for a while
It was something I tried, an experiment
To check if I was a good enough version
Of the me that would be preferable
The person who can be accepted
But I fell down the rabbit hole, through the cracks
Veneer chipped, glaze cracked
Aching from the tiredness a facade creates
To the dawning, that the show couldn’t go on
Let the curtain come down and be damned!
Damned if I do, damned if I don’t
Decision made and held
Consequences will be accepted, shock expected
As finally from the chrysalis of fear,
A moth who will be only free
She, the raw ingredients of a future
That she will define, whatever judgement may say.
Trailing behind you the gossamer threads, like a broken spider web
Telling yourself you’re the bride, so bright, girly and gay
You wander around slowly, twisty and turning
To see who is looking with youthful desire
Twirling, prancing bird on a wire.
In every direction see your head bobbing
As you acknowledge a crowd of…none
Grabbing sadly at any morsel of hope
Your stories spread quickly
Like a raging bushfire
Looking blankly from under the rouge and the kohl
Glimmers of gossip are waiting to roll
To pounce and to grab, twist and turn
Making your insides acid and burn
Creeping upon you in the dead of the night
Wandering off cackling she fades with the light.
Your dark eyed beauty shines before you
Like a beacon to the desolate,
Showing far and wide
You wear a mask of forced solemnity
Keeping away the masses
Unless you choose to take down your barriers
And allow them into your inner sanctum
Where a different you resides
The private you, who is fun loving, caring and wise
Always there for friends
Offering tea, humour, cake and an ear
A special friend, person
Who deserves accolades but wouldn’t accept them
Just shrugs like it’s nothing
But it means a lot.
You misunderstood my stilted words
Thinking I had nothing to say
When I walked in to find my possessions strewn
Clothing, books, letters all sorted
Not by me.
You had looked at every last thing
Decided in my absence, without my knowledge
What was acceptable
I begin to look for this or that, randomly
Certain clothes, photographs, letters and books
They didn’t fit the picture puzzle you’re building
The play you imagine you live in
For a moment I was hopeful
Till you told me what you removed is gone
Taken to the dump with the rubbish
You beamed a smile
Waited for thanks for your help and direction
I could only nod, wonder what possessed you
To try and wipe me out
Like a dirty smear on a looking glass
Without a by your leave,
But you didn’t wipe away the memories
You couldn’t do that.
However hard you tried to change me.
Hurt with your array of weapons
You taught me well
To fight back, become as rock
Hard and impenetrable when I have to
Show only what I want to those I can trust
And allow in only a chosen few
Who always have my back.
Your eyes are blinkered to the truth
Looking the five yards ahead you see the summer
There is no harm in this at all
But truth, trust and love go beyond,
Far beyond one season
If they are true.
You test the people who care till they fall
Exhausted in a heap
You stand over them, critical, cold.
In your head you foretold a reckoning day
Where they’d fail your expectations
Looking at the person you have sucked dry,
Like a vampire feeding on loyalty
You spit sourness in their face
Tell them that you have waited for this day
Open your eyes, remove the scales you placed
So tenderly and deliberately.
You planted the seeds, they have grown
You forced them on
They tried resistance but you insisted
One day you will leave me behind, not need me.
Today you feel the right to judge your own creation
The time has come to accept you got your hearts desire
You can reflect forever more
Was it worth it??
What is it, where is it, how can it be?
That you look at him in preference to me
What is it, where is it, how can you say
You don’t love me and you’ve called it a day
What is it, how is it,
Why does it matter?
That I once had your love but it’s now in tatters
Why do you look on me with disdain
I bought you flowers once, that’s surely a gain
I’ve taken all I could in every way
Trodden on feelings night and day
If you’ll just leave him, give me another chance
It’ll be fine if we just lead the same old dance
How can you say you no longer care?
Can’t you see MY life was always unfair?
So give me a chance, I promise I’ll bring
A new-old life with a much worse sting!!
Just tell me one thing, I’ll leave you alone
I’ll stay away from you, at least never phone
What is it, where is it how can it be
That you look at HIM in preference to Me??