Back to front

You hurl forth your words, like a stone from a slingshot
Your accuracy of so sure of
But the reaction shocks you to your core.
The smile on your face as you can’t wait to say
You’re just like your grandmother
Awaiting my denial, hot and angry
That doesn’t come
THANKYOU!!
Is my reply, and you are perplexed
At 10 I may have thought otherwise
Now, I know of her life, struggles
Of some of her reasons for being her.
If I am half the person now that she was
If there is a comparison
You expect me to be shamefaced?
For good or ill,
I can look and say I am strong, independent and have faith to follow my path
With wisdom gleaned from someone
Far wiser than me
I have gained from her my future self
What a compliment, again I thank you
Your face turns crimson
As you try to laugh off the shot back firing
In your eyes confusion
You didn’t understand a word I just said

Ailsa

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Painter

ailsacawley

We talk without the words sometimes,
Squeeze of hand or shoulder
Looking at one another, then smiling
Gentle recognition
Now we’re talking and you say things
Check no-one is around to hear
As you curse the ones you know don’t think
At all mostly
Ask if I mind these curse words, I don’t
Of course you’re aware already, just checking
Your chuckle tells me that
I wonder where all this has come from
Do you just need a sounding board?
Someone who won’t tell you
You can’t say, mustn’t think, shouldn’t feel that!!
Just the canvas on which to paint
That picture swirling in your mind
Because it torments you so
Stopping your colourful imagery for a moment
To check if I’m okay with the canvas
And how you fill it
With happiness, sadness, expletives
Observing that it’s just as it should be, you carry on
A squeeze of the…

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Painter

We talk without the words sometimes,
Squeeze of hand or shoulder
Looking at one another, then smiling
Gentle recognition
Now we’re talking and you say things
Check no-one is around to hear
As you curse the ones you know don’t think
At all mostly
Ask if I mind these curse words, I don’t
Of course you’re aware already, just checking
Your chuckle tells me that
I wonder where all this has come from
Do you just need a sounding board?
Someone who won’t tell you
You can’t say, mustn’t think, shouldn’t feel that!!
Just the canvas on which to paint
That picture swirling in your mind
Because it torments you so
Stopping your colourful imagery for a moment
To check if I’m okay with the canvas
And how you fill it
With happiness, sadness, expletives
Observing that it’s just as it should be, you carry on
A squeeze of the hand,
Looking to see who’s listening
Though frankly you have no care
Let them listen, all of them
Your anger has returned again
The painter was told how his canvas should be
He isn’t exactly sure what to do
His fuse has been lit, gunning for you!
Looking, he says what the hell do I do?
Tells me his wishes, needs my support
Calm again now
I’ve said do what YOU want, I’ll fight them all
That’s settled it now, no holding back
Be wary of crossing that sweet looking old man

Ailsa

Unaware

She appears full of knowledge
Exactly like her friends, oozing confidence
Tap at the surface gently
The marshmallow centre spills forth
Along with the anxieties,
Doubts about being enough to all
Who might expect anything from her
Her eyes cloud uncertainty
Has raised its ugly head, pulling her
This way and that
A massive tug of war takes place
Inside and out, written on her face
So boldly as if in permanent ink
Temporarily we can erase it
Though it is only hidden by a mask
None can see past
She tells herself this daily
One day when she’s grown and learned
To be the person she is inside
The mask will be discarded
Maybe forgotten
Left to disintegrate like old things do
Then she will understand that to be
herself
Is all she can be, all she needs to be
I stand idly by, observing the maelstrom within
Having travelled that journey and can do
Nothing
Except wait and watch

Ailsa

Charlotte

You were not meant to be I’m told
Why? Why you?
Did I not want you enough
Or would I have not loved, cared for, nourished you?
I would have gone to the end of the earth
In my mind’s eye I see you
Like a shadow at the corner of my vision
Catching the sun in your hair
Waiting to be seen
But I can never turn speedily enough
To see you before you are gone,
Again
I would have been there forever
But you can only watch from that place
That shadow land
I am not destined to touch your face
Not in this life

Ailsa

Twister

Twisting the truth to suit
Till you believe your own stories
A faery tale where you are the central character
The star, figure of pity, victim
Which one is it to be today?
Or is your script becoming confused
So you don’t understand your own part any more?
Do you know the truth behind the fallacy
Or have you pedalled such a filthy stream
That only now exists
Any reality lost in the curtains
You have drawn over the parts you don’t like
Decided they didn’t fit the pictures of perfection
You try to pass off as truth
Look closely at your new painting
It may look clean and bright
From a distance
Step in and observe properly
There are dirty smears and the paint
Has cracked.

Ailsa

Learning to sing

When you walked in, sweeping every surface
Looking for dust,  dirt, anything out of place
My heart was beating so I could hear
It’s tattoo in my ears
If you’d spoken would I have heard?
I was so eager to make your world perfect
The whole place your choice and I didn’t mind
Not at first
Till you started trying to make me into a clone
Not too obvious at first
Seemed encouraging
A different style of dress, or top
Nagging doubts that you were dressing a mannequin
Moulding me from clay into a doll
Of your own vision
But I never did manage to look right
Because I couldn’t transform into the real deal
Pushing the deadness away as I crumble inside
Outside smile pasted on, and make up
All to your satisfaction sort of
Then I started singing songs
Of freedom and escape, realised I meant them
Pinpoint the day I knew it’d never last?
The day you told me if only my eyes were green
Not blue
And couldn’t I just wear contacts
To make me ok, though I’d never be as beautiful
Not as she was, can’t pass perfect
And my aim should be her
Black haired, green eyes and be a carbon copy
You couldn’t see any wrong in your words
And chucked me under the chin
Your pet project
Till I figured what to do with myself
I could only feel cold, hard anger
Instead of howling my fury at the moon
As she watched me knowingly
I sang out my bitterness to her
Swallowed silent tears
Songs of escape and freedom abounded
Her soothing light told me that I was good to go
I would survive
She was right, not easily but I did

Ailsa