The fearsome warrior

I don’t care what you think about me, I don’t think about you at all – Coco Chanel

Just a woman she’d heard it said, no good for much except a bed!
She worked harder than any man she knew
Proving herself daily as her confidence grew.
Always knowing she was an almost son, respect forever hard won.
As she grew old and retained her inner fire
They looked and saw just a woman filled with ire.
Her favourite saying “you’re as good as everyone else, and in some cases better, but keep that to yourself!”
For when she was a girl you hid your light so deep
You’d forget it were there, a secret to keep.
She heard the comments, formidable, tough, hard, unforgiving
Except that she knew at the end she was winning
As woman, mother, sister, friend
You took your hurts she still found a way to mend.
Feeding you plenty, asking what no one else could
Because it was not nice, or not something you should
So every time I hear a mention in comparison I swell
My pride in her always will dwell.
A warrior she was and will remain on a green hill
A fearsome woman ahead of time then and still.

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Dancing to the tune

Watching them as they give you tasks to join their world
The one you’re desperate to be part of
You move slowly, anguish crushing your features
So faster turning, swooping, diving, anything
Anything that gets them to see the steam rise from your breath
Making them aware ‘look I’m alive, I breathe ‘you smile
They laugh at your confusion
Braying, pointing to the marionette who dances for them
Despite everything still wanting, needing to be on the inside
Ever willing to be laughed at
And the bells jingle loudly, the fools bells
But you wear them proudly like a badge of honour
To say you made it and got noticed
Even if they make you dance and sing, at heel like the puppy
Whose eyes will adore you while you kick him
They can smell the desperation pouring from you
See it shining manically in your too bright eyes
They have a clown, jester, puppet
Don’t try to break into their enclosed heartland
For the hearts are withered and lands are barren.
Stop dancing, close your ears to the tune.
Leave the dance mid-turn, with some pride intact

Haunted by

I walk to the bus and you are there, not by me
Never by my side, following incase I speak to a person unchecked
Someone not through your process.
Which is that you ask? Surely speech is free?
You might think, but
I’ve to watch my step, my expression, my interest
Smile and say hi for a moment your voice says
But as I half turn looking over my shoulder slyly
For all the world a spy in my own prison world
I see you shuffle-dive into a doorway
Once I used to ask you why you followed me, always
You laughed, huffed, got angry
Except it wasn’t me alone who saw you, was it?
Jokes masking the serious questions of why, just why
Did you need to know my every second and try to breathe for me
If I tried to do it alone I was closing you out
So you followed sometimes nearly stumbling into me
Or you called telling me I had been away long enough
And if I loved you, really loved you
I would only want you and it would be enough
Till the day you issued a threat up close
When up she stepped, the hidden one, usually being timid
Always wanting to see you happy, or just calm
You threatened me the last time then didn’t you?
When I looked you in the eye and told you to sleep awake
Keep your eyes open forever
You hurt me before, but never again
I have waited, and like the snake who strikes
You will find you cannot time my attack, nor will I stop!!
Would I have ever been able to do it?
I simply don’t know, but it stopped the onslaughts
Every day.
But the strength began to build a bridge
Not between us, but to a new song where you don’t feature.
And I am not haunted by
Day, night,you.

And you were wrong

In your head shakes I saw it more clearly than you thought

As you wandered off telling me not to be stupid

Dreams were for other people, other world’s 

Best to just forget with almost disdainful pats to the head,

While crushing my dreams,  your fears,

Underfoot a grinding to dust to be sure the fire couldn’t ignite

Except it never fully extinguished

It just went on a slow low gas, like dinner set to low

Awaiting it’s time to be served, fulfilling needs

Maybe not yours but you can never search horizons

Looking at the beauty therein

Your only thought is tomorrow’s weather,  hang tonight’s beauty

For what good is a golden ethereal light really

And as you walk away marvelling at how sensible you are

How much of a sleep walking dreamer I am

Ask yourself how much you have to show

For blocking out the golden shimmer,  or the almost violent sunset

I have my wild imaginings some can be real

But like a genie you fear

You corked the bottle tightly,  bound and hid it.

My genie roams free but when does yours  burst forth

Escape and turn on you

For keeping it a prisoner TOO long?

The day you change your future

It can be done although it seems too hard
I looked at mine and accepted things
Then I decided to say what if…
If I open my mind aswell as my eyes and just wait
For the path before step by step to show clear and true
I don’t expect it to be easy or simple
But since when was a new walkway mapped in safety
And would I choose it if it were?
I’d rather learn a little at a time daily
Than think I know who I am and all maps are charted
Irrevocable,  unchanging
Living in fear of difference and change
Shouldn’t you allow the path to show you
What can be,  a life of promise,  change
A future
Or get old and wish you had done all the things
In your mind
But ignored studiously because it wasn’t on the chart
Whose directions were written wrongly anyway

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Feather touch

You turn to look behind you and see nobody there
A hand upon your shoulder that does touch
whenever  burdens weigh
Convince yourself it’s wild imaginings
And you’re being fanciful today.
Shake your head impatiently,  yes force it from your mind
Tell your soul your heart is bringing those feelings
Force it to pay no mind
What is it you’re afraid of, thoughts you do not speak?
Allowing the comforting arms at your shoulder
Or a missing other that you seek
Why be wary of the feather touch from those in shadowlands?
Has there been harm within the warming hands
The ones who help and guide you will return day on day
Give them the grace of acknowledging a shield
That by you will always stay.

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015

Withered within

It was empty inside like a shell long devoid of the snail
The bits that made me strong and capable
Felt like a tangle of too many crossed wires
And then I met you and I wanted to stand there
To talk all night about everything and nothing
No ulterior motive just to feel human
To say what I thought,  debate all night
Didn’t matter who if either was right or wrong
Only to know I counted that I had a place
It didn’t have to be anything big or wondrous
Nor did it have to mean much to anyone
And I never expected it would or could
But it was there, a reed with the water of life
Taking away the vinegar I always tasted
The sourness of feeling wrong and cursed
Or stuck in a never ending maze with the way out barred
With my insides dried up,  like old fruit
And my heart which beat only because it had to
It beat only for my child who I was afraid to lose
Change and lose
Stay and lose
Suddenly my head told my heart it was time
And the drumbeat began in earnest
It played a song I didn’t understand
Still find difficult sometimes as it’s still new
It’s a long song,  a forever song
A song of circles,  rings and returning home
To a present and future
To the freedom and togetherness which I never knew
Thought of as faery tales and myths
And know now they can be real
If you believe
Do you believe?

Ailsa
©AilsaCawley Poetry 2015