return journey

I had to just disappear a while
Was lost and forgot
Who I was, what I wanted
Started to say yes to everyone who
Suggested I be
Their mental version of me

I don’t know why
So I withdrew and hid away
Hanging around like a bat in a cave
Coming out in dusky times
Feeling tired, overwhelmed with all
the suggestions
Who they all saw, had me in mind to be

I almost blindly followed the leader
Then realised I couldn’t
Just accept
A version of myself, a parallel copy
The original fought back, sailing back
Too long a trip tossed on that boat
I have navigated back
To the shores I want
No, need

My trip was long, fearsome
The discovery of a new Land
Where the terrain is firm
But yields and changes
As I choose
Not for any gain other than the original
Of me is free and clear
Expectations may or may not be met
But now I am true to myself

That journey took me many places
I have returned, refreshed and my sapped strength
Is building slowly
I am once again whole in spirit
And for that I rejoice

Ailsa

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That point

When it’s that moment of the straw
That broke the camel
Not just it’s back
Tired of being the reasonable one
Who says it doesn’t matter
Says one day I won’t have to see you
When there is no need for contact
No niceness
Problem with this is
Today my reserves of nice
Ran dry, like a tank of fuel slowly
Seeping away
And I am the engine
Who has grumbled loudly, angrily
To a shuddering stop.
No mechanic can fix this one
Nor do I want them to
The end of the reasonable line is a very
Odd place
Like a new being brought into existence
And there’s no going back
Only ahead on a different route
A road I was told I’d find one day
Took so long coming
It seemed like a myth or fable
It has hardened part of me forever
I didn’t want to feel that way
Maybe it’s just necessary to ensure
My own survival

Ailsa

Some days – dedicated to my dad

Some days I look for you, searching in the crowd
Tell myself to stop it, but eyes keep looking round
Just in case there was a mistake
Just in case you’re there
Wondering why I don’t talk so much
Thinking I might not care

Some days I talk and tell you things
Nothing special, all every day events
Or tell you, yep you told me that, you’re
right again
And I chuckle at a thought we’d shared, another dragon slain

I want so much to hold you and tell you to your face
That I miss you, your laugh, humour and your grace
Some days I sail through calm waters
Others I navigate with relative ease

Every day I love you, miss you
Wish I could have you here
I know that this is selfish too
Pain I couldn’t wish you to bear

I have to tell you again I love you
And miss you, truly always will.

Ailsa

Enough

Daily, enough is the byword
Make up, not wearing enough
Can’t do that job, not good enough
Don’t say what you think
People won’t like it!
Every move has to be right to fit in
Nothing can pass constantly changing criteria
Always scrutiny, never spontaneity
Has to be considered to the nth degree
Till that day comes, that fateful day
In the growing world of enough
Finally a point is reached
Next enough is considered
Deliberated,  decided

Had enough.

Ailsa

Elven One

Petite, fragile with elven eyes
She’ll keep her counsel, maybe, sometimes
Dark eyed solitude, deepest depths
Though light from within her shines
With piercing brilliance
She remains unaware, unsure of her own abilities
Quiet acceptance turns to manic happiness
Sometimes in the blink of an eye
Mistaken for a fearful thoughtless one
Whatever you do, never make that mistake
Her tongue can become sharp, fangs appear
The creature of the night has no fear
She’ll fight for others more than herself
Coming after you with knife like hands
You dared to cross her beloved ones
Sunlight smoothing over the cracks
Like a generous, viscous liquid balm
Warming her heart, she’s forgotten the betrayal
At least on the surface, anyway

Ailsa

Judgement

Nasty sordid person, darkest being
Your inky black voice seeping into anyone who dares disagree
Turn on those who stand against your corrupt inner force
The ink running in your veins, black to your core
Try not to hear the twisted cynicism
Judging those who are fit for life or death
In your lonely little shallow world
As surely it must be, right?
All there are standing, are the dominoes set to fall
But these have no pattern, one go all go
Yours are more evenly spaced, bombs set up
Like landmines for the unaware to set foot on
One by one, not a chain reaction for you
That would burst your bubble of self importance
In the blink of an eye
That wouldn’t do now, would it?!!
Your intent to have a lengthy stay before execution by public firing squad
No doubt it will come, as happens to all
Knowing that your black, bleak pearls of hatred
Seep into the angry souls
Of mortals with compassion
You want your five minutes to last, to eke out every second
So keep on fleshing out with darkness, hatred and abuse
When the hired guns come, as they will
Then and only then will you realise you fed the masses
Not a diet of hatred and bile
But your own soul and even shell now
For the flesh, blood and bone are long gone
Turned into print for your flash in the pan
Flames die back, gun fire roars
Leaving nothing but an empty husk by the roadside
There for any passing vulture to get a meal
You?  Gone. Forgotten. Nothing left.

Ailsa

Seaside soothing

Caressing slowly like a careful lover’s hand
Rolling, deliberately
Like you’re smoothing something gently into place
Watch mesmerised by the hypnotic motion
A ceaseless rhythm
Of a sudden there’s a break in this tick-tock style
As I hear a whoosh, smash, and water breaks
On the rock just out of my vision
I turn towards it to see that your loving strokes are not for this
The sands you have taken, tamed, put in their place
So you soothe them like you’d stroke a pet
To keep control and stop it straying
But the rock hasn’t submitted yet
Oh it will, however long it takes you,
Your rolling and crashing
Patiently passing over, beating, whatever it takes
Till it gives it’s core to you
And allows you to own it’s destiny
Then you too will lie on a shore
Maybe not this but a distant one
And the sea triumphantly has regained
All it wishes to possess
That is when you will feel the gentle stroke to settle and calm you
For it brooks no rebellion and beats all enemies

Ailsa